Momentum

It was a cold winter's night and we were up late, us 4, in a secluded pub on an unfamiliar street. We talked and talked and talked for hours and it was during one of those heavy conversations we made ourselves stumble upon carelessly, a topic which mustn't be left lingering alone in the unknown premises of others to discover. However it indeed did, coincidentally.

And that's when you uttered,
those words of spontaneity.

"Look at her eyes.
You can imagine what she's been through."

Up until now Pedro Soler, you have no idea how those words are kept dear to me in the pits and crevices of my soul. Pedro, te adoro.

Mumbles

As I lay there, trying to let the somber feeling that each one of them had on their faces settle down as I told them the truth - something I haven't entirely been doing throughout the whole time I came back here, I could feel the walls I build so perfectly around me, begin to crumble to pieces. They were among the few I told, the few I felt were trust-worthy enough for me to divulge whatever it is I've been keeping hidden for the past 1 whole semester(which mind you, is a very long, tiring and challenging one).

And it was also the first time,
I showed an ounce of emotion to anyone
about the sensitive issue we discussed upon.

I remembered how emotionally draining last summer was and how I felt like anything and everything I was going to do was marked with a big fat 'X', frankly an indicator as to how naive and immature I was to think that things were going to be smooth sailing once I transitioned from the life of a medical student to that of the real world(aka Malaysia).

The feeling of having failure somehow come a-knocking at my door more than once and plagiarizing me with whatever hope I have into making life at all tolerable was the worst. The nights I spent crying and wondering why all this was happening to me, would have made you think that I was born with bipolar tendencies. I made myself appear happy, not giving a care about the world but that was all you could see on the surface of it all. At times, I would show the hidden cracks and flaws that many would unfortunately, flinch upon seeing and I don't see why they shouldn't.

What didn't make it any better was my lack of certainty,
my fickle-minded persona which bought on a more ominous effect
of people's perception towards me - including my own family.

Was it the toughest challenge I've ever endured? Yes. If I could go back to last summer, would I ever want to change anything and make things a wee bit more easier on me? No, because I believe that things happened for a reason and as much bad press I've gotten from others based on the actions I've previously done or acted upon, all this had made me become a much more better person than I previously was. In so many ways, I'm grateful Allah gave me this challenge because now(InsyaAllah), His strength is all I need.

Tragedy

You know how they say that life is precious - don't waste any second, minute, day of it? I guess what happened today made me think and I know many others are too in the midst of everything(exams and etc).

Al-fatihah to

Nurul Iman and may your soul rest in peace.

Of Resolutions and Other things

Although it's already midway to the month of February, I feel that the year 2011 wouldn't be complete if I haven't compiled and listed my New Year Resolutions for this year. As much as I know some people might resent New Year's Resolutions due to the initial excitement and impact it would bring upon certain individuals and it's sudden dead halt for one's desire to accomplish their personal goals along the way, I still have a thing for resolutions.

Call me practical and organized if you must,
but I honestly think resolutions are an amazing thing to have
and so, I shall unveil to you mine for the year 2011.

New Year's Resolution 2011

1. Get closer to Allah SWT
2. Pray 5 times a day, diligently
3. Read the Quran once a day
4. Fast twice a week
5. Study smart, not study hard
6. Pass 3rd year of medical school
7. Stay single and happy
8. Live, Laugh and Love
9. Grow hair longer
10. Lose weight this summer
11. Quit smoking PERMANENTLY
12. Eat 6 meals per day(1200c)
13. Exercise every morning for 30 minutes
14. Save up for a Mac
15. Read 15 novels

And if I could, I want all of this to be accomplished in due time. Weirdly, I have a feeling that the year 2011 is going to be a good one, InsyaAllah :) Oh and to a good friend of mine, watch this video and don't be sad - honestly, this video is like the anthem for 2011 for me and I hope it'll be for you too.

Reflections

"I know that right now, that feeling that you have still persists and it might not go away when you're here but instead of ignoring it, cultivate something from it. Start with little things - pray 5 times a day without fail, start reading the Quran after completing your Maghrib prayers, understand the meaning of the words in the Quran and etc. Indefinitely, by accomplishing small deeds, it will then lead to bigger ones.

Because once you've set yourself to become a better person; spiritually, mentally and physically, all else would come into place and turn out alright. Allah SWT is always there for us and He knows what we do, think and feel so when you're really ready, it will happen. Have faith in the fact that things happen for a reason :) "

Act 1, Scene 20

As I felt her embracing me with her arms wide open, I couldn't help but feel as though I only mattered and all the others were just minuscule props left on the sidelines . From the start, she had always been a nice person to talk to - your problems, her predicaments, life's abundant mind-boggling questionnaires which would often pop without a warning were usually the topics of our easy flowing, rampant conversations.

She would often say the right things, at the right time
and I would willingly take them in stride - no matter how
honest/ugly the truth can be.

When she got to know that I was about to turn 21 by the end of this month, she couldn't help but quip at how young I still am due to the difference in age between her and I(which is 41 years, by the way). To have someone tell you that for a change is nice because it doesn't exactly help when you're with other kids whom most often tell how old you're getting when that time of the year starts approaching - believe me, it's like a painful stab to chest is what it is.

I then asked her; since I am at this age where most
people think it is the prime time of anyone's adolescent pre-adult life,
what good words/advice could she bestow upon me?

"Even with all the money in the world, even if you're considered as one of the smartest, one of the most beautiful people or anything else for that matter, all of that won't matter if you don't have faith.

Because when you have faith, you have something to hold on to when all else fails and who is the one person who would be constantly there for you, through your hardships, your tribulations and your blessings? Allah SWT is the one who is always there for you."

And up until now, she has no idea how words so simple yet meaningful as that have affected me, one way or another.

Self-Explanatory

"Babe, you can't measure something as subjective as beauty based on the number of countless boyfriends you have. I'm sure out there, where you're at, there's a guy who really, really likes you but is afraid to say and be truthful to you.

The reason why is because you intimidate them - you're pretty, you're intelligent and independent, that's why they're afraid to go beyond the unknown. They think you're the type who thinks dating and all that jazz is a waste of time but I assure you this, when the time comes, everything will turn out alright." 

And, it's with people like you, I am able to keep this smile up from day to day(Even if I do look like shit). Thank you :)