Oh Please

1. I'm noticing the fact that I get somewhat easily irritated now. The little insignificant things that people usually do on a daily basis, get me highly strung. I'll either try to block it out, ignore but if I can't possibly do so, well let's just say for the next few days or so, the silent treatment will be given to thee.
   
   
2. People are just not on speaking terms right now or not so much being sociable- it's either your shit is yours and mine is mine. All everyone here wants to do is end the semester on a good note and say "Sayonara you fucks, I won't be seeing you guys anymore!" even if it's approximately for the next 3 months or so.
   
   
3. It's been 2 months since I've been to Carrefour. I NEED TO FUCKING GO TO CARREFOUR!
   
   
4. Today is the end of the month of May, tomorrow is the start of June and in 2 weeks' time, it'll be the end of lectures for this semester. I'm pretty baffled by how time really flies actually.
   
   
5. I have Biochemistry midterm this Saturday and I'm so fucking nervous about it, I shit you not. Need to study, do great on my test and get awesome grades! So I'll end this right now, thanks.
   
   

Silverspring

Yesterday in the longest time,
I started talking about you,
specifically you.

I won't deny that in between the conversation I had,
intricate, intoxicating details flashed before my very eyes. And right now,
all I want for it is to end.

God, please make it end.



"Time casts a spell on you but you won't forget me,
 I know I could have loved you but you wouldn't let me,
And I follow you down to the sound of my voice that haunts you,

No,
you'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you."

Confessions(Part 2)

I remember it was on a Saturday morning that we both lay motionless on your bed, appreciating the ominous silence that was placed before us to indulge in sinfully. We stayed up late, way pass our curfew the night before due to unforeseen circumstances. My unusual erratic behaviour of giving several spontaneous suggested locations for us to go to all at once and your carefree demeanor to abide to my wishes, lead to a night of memories that once filled this heart of mine with much elated remembrance of what we both shared - something that would bind us for eternity, something that no one else could nor would understand.

Like a concealed secret,
if you will.

When we've spent half the night painting the town red, we got back to your humble abode. Your parents weren't home as they were visiting a few relatives back in their hometown and mine weren't very much akin to where and who I was with during that period of time. It was for the first time I was able to see what your sanctuary looked like, what was lurking inside those 4 sided walls you resided in and it was nothing more than what I expected of you. Posters of numerous artists and bands were plastered on your wall with several additional postcards from across the sea, scribbles, notes and to-do lists were placed along side your computer screen, undeveloped rolls of film found across your table top, books of Salman Rushdie, Neil Gailman, Orhan Pamuk and several others stacked neatly by the side of your bed, just in case the need to read suddenly arises, you explained to me.

Funny and eccentric,
that what I've always thought of you.

We stayed up late listening to songs found on your iTunes playlist, humming and singing along as we took our individualistic places on that queen size bed of yours. As the sun was about to rise within those hours which truthfully felt like a few minutes stretched beyond insurmountable explanation, I could see it's colour bursting with such radiance and clairvoyance. It was then that I asked without much thinking on my part as I played with your long tousled hair ,

"Hey, I know this is a really random question, asked at a really random time but what does your name mean anyways? The middle and the first? I'm just curious to know."

You then answered,

"'Nicholas' means people of victory and my Chinese name 'Jyn' according to my dad, means light. So put it all together, that would make me the light that would lead people to victory."

You ended that sentence with a laugh but I could in a way, sense that you were happy,satisfied of telling me something you were proud of. It was then you shifted your gaze towards me and asked me the same questionnaire yet with much more intensity than I anticipated but I took it all in stride and answered what was left wondering.

"Okay, promise you won't laugh? I've always thought of it as a joke but since you've asked, I'll be happy to oblige. My second name 'Ismail' means God hears and my first 'Zalikha' means charming beauty.  So that would make me the charming beauty that God hears - told you it was a complete joke."

But you kept your gaze on me and stared intently into my eyes for a second or what seemed to be forever and that's when you took my hands into yours and let our fingers be intertwined. You smiled that sweet smile of yours, coming closer to my side of the bed and suddenly without warning, whispered slowly into my ears words of pure absolution,

"Don't you realize? Your name has got you figured, spot on."

Baby, It's Fact

"God sent you to me for a reason and He took you away from me for a reason",

and I keep telling myself this whenever my heart starts to

wander around the hollow, empty crevices of my soul.

"Give me reason but don't give me choice,
because I'll just make the same mistake again."

Perplexed

It's that time of the month again and I can feel it coming over me. People with their sudden, unthinkable words and actions start to pounce on me more than the usual demeanor, annoying yours truly till fuck knows when. Gah, I hate it when my period leads me to uncontrollable fits of rage.

Today, I just didn't talk much with anyone. Mostly concentrated while I was in lectures and studied in between them since assignments have been a constant struggle this whole week. I ultimately feel tired most of the time while I attend them - sometimes I unknowingly fall asleep while the lecturer explains how the viral RNA of HIV was able to replicate itself to form a double stranded DNA and later on, integrate with the human DNA genome, thus causing the apocalyptic HIV to weaken the patient's immune system, unknowingly spreading the disease and in conclusion, leading to the pandemic effect that is AIDS.

Sure, I could explain it to you now but you have no idea how troublesome it is to ask someone to recollect what the lecturer said, especially after 4 hours of classes prior. It's like sucking the life out of someone during breaks, no kidding.

Sorry that I have to end this post with an early adieu since I have assignments which need to be finished up by tonight ASAP with additional subjects to study on so this will indefinitely lead to another all-nighter and the constant gulping of coffee, the magical drink. Oh Yeah.

"I want to hold you close,
Soft breath, Beating heart,
As I whisper in your ear,
I want to fucking tear you apart."

Burn Burn Burn

Current things/events/people/anecdotes that make me think, one way or another:

1. Having long hair. Honestly, I forgot how it feels like to have long hair since I've always had mine cropped ala Agyness Deyn. However, due to hectic schedules and me not having the time to get it trimmed once in a while, I'm living with ill-managed, messy hair as of right now.
   
   
2. Never ever NOT categorize your dirty laundry based on colour because just a while ago, I found two of my favourite piece of clothing inked with a multitude of blotches and you have no idea how annoyed I am of this.
   
   
3. Staying up late these past few days for my mid-term next Saturday has been very detrimental to my soul. Imagine studying 5 subjects at a time and having lectures and practicals from 8am till 4pm to cover as well. Oh-so-tiring.
   
   
4. I noticed people from my batch often video call their parents/family and by that, I mean everyday. And I? Well, I can pretty much count how many times I do so using one hand.
   
   
5. It's starting to get hotter here and the people are getting much more affected by the weather. Or in other words, the men are much more hornier than usual, heh.

Amplified

Woke up groggy today and felt like some form below me was clutching onto the upper abdomen of my own frantic, fragile(oh really?) body. It wasn't until a few minutes later I found my head stooped low in the bathroom of our 4th floor flat, with partial chunks of my previous dinner and maybe some other type of liquid I don't exactly want to describe here on after as this would indirectly lead to some form of flash memory of this morning's turmoil.

I unfortunately, can't take any form of solids nor fluids and this is driving me up the wall. It's been almost 24 hours since I had anything and why? Because once I start to digest on something, my body will feel the need to heave another form of reversible chunk my way and I don't exactly feel great about self-induced vomiting, no matter how relieving it might feel once it's done. Ugh, even the thought of it now makes me feel all queasy inside.

What makes it worse is that I have a presentation tomorrow and if this doesn't go away, I might have to present even if I do feel all crappy inside, something I pray I wouldn't have to even to go through but in desperate times, this calls for desperate measures. Also on another entirely different note, I opted a change from Mozilla Firefox(MF) to that of Google Chrome because ever since I changed from MF version 3 to that of version 4, I have to move my cursor everywhere all the freaking time to get a page to load and this annoyed the fuck out of me.

It's either my computer is too damn bloody slow or
MF is jut fucked up as it is
and I pick the latter.

"Remind me that we'll always have each other
when everything else is gone."

Improvise

"Cause out of all the flaws I've stumbled upon,
It's the hardest one to focus on,
It's the hardest one to focus on."

Letting Go/Moving On

Fidgety, that's how I've been these past few months since I quit smoking. Without the presence of my cancer sticks for my lips to linger upon, my subconscious sometimes latches on to bad habits I once thought had been discarded. Oh but a what a hoot it was to realize that being restless and uneasy comes at a price for quitting one of the few indulging sins I've made as a part of me. As a part of us.

As I sat in class waiting for the seconds to pass by, my thoughts were pre-occupied with things of the past, the present and maybe the future while I constantly fiddled with the armillary you gave me. It was nothing luxurious - it was what it was, an ornamental band of white porcelain plastered with a mediocre design you bought somewhere along your trip down south. I recalled the moment you gave me that little trinket I still hold dear, you were neither hesitant nor were you unsure and when I asked why the sudden display of affection with an uncalled gift, you answered with such clarity;

" I don't know. Maybe it's because I thought about you while I was driving on my way to Melaka. Imagine me, driving along the highway at 90 mp/h, trying to get there before noon, putting my iPod on shuffle and suddenly comes on 'Sweet Disposition' by The Temper Trap.

And I remembered how much you love that song. How much you would sing to it everytime it comes on during our countless joyrides around town. How you remembered each and every one of their words and sang it will full on gusto and feeling.

Long explanation cut short - I remembered you along the way so I bought you this."

 He ended his explanation with his smile, the one I still couldn't forget till now because it was during our first rendezvous under the opaque, starry night's sky that he flashed that bittersweet memory I wish to vanquish completely within me but alas, wishful thinking isn't exactly a concrete solution at this point. But it is a start. Because although it may seem that everything is amidst, that all memories of you are in shambles, that my own self-worth is in such disarray and that life is nothing but torn fucked-up pieces held together by such fragile invisible strings, I believe that at the end of it all what words and actions cannot heal, time indefinitely will.

And so while I waited in that classroom for the seconds to pass by, my mind pre-occupied with thoughts of the past, the present and the future, I took off that piece of jewelery you gave to me without much vacillation.

Because it was at that point then that I knew,
that I had to move on. That I finally had to let you go.

Oh Bother