Confessions(Part 4)

After having watched 3 movies in a row during our unplanned movie marathon which lasted till the early hours of the morning, you drove me home. In the car, between the droplets of rain which heaven had granted us befittingly from above, the soothing voice of the oozing, sultry songstress and the rich, enticing melody that accompanies her, made me all the more drowsy.

My head kept missing the already nestled head rest as you steered your way through the streets, stopping more than once due to the foreseeable circumstance that that night was a Friday night. As the songstress' voice begins to sound more or less like monotonous ramblings of the poetic kind and the light pitter patter of the rain longing to bid their hellos/goodbyes kept on being prolonged, the sudden chilling atmosphere started consuming us whole and I could feel myself gradually being lost in my own private retreat I call sleep.

The car then came to a slow once more and all that remained was silence. My thoughts weren't preoccupied nor coherent, my emotions were subliminally passive and my body motionless from fatigue, I once again was about to attempt another clumsy, spontaneous move but without a second to lose, I suddenly felt your hands gently placed my head onto your shoulders.

I can still remember your hands lightly stroking my head of hair, brushing aside my side bangs as you tried to get a better view of my face. Momentarily, a sigh escaped from your lips and unexpectedly, a kiss on the forehead is what you gave and that's when I wished - I wished that this moment could've stayed unchanged, not a second nor a minute too soon, for this particular minute in time is what I'll always consider as my one and only peaceful sanctuary.

For Better or For Worse

I had my first paper today, the first of my final semester and to be straight to the point, it sucked ass. I fucking screwed up so many questions that I think I could literally asphyxiate myself with the amount of bullshit I concurred on that bloody answer sheet itself. To make matters worse, people in general seem to think the paper itself was 'alright'; Meaning it wasn't exactly terrible/horrendous/hard/difficult/shitty/disastrous while I on the other hand, have the complete polar opposite opinion to what they've mentioned.

Ugh,
I just really want a cigarette to calm my nerves now. But to compensate this crappy misfortune which had been bestowed upon me today, I pretty much went all spontaneous combustion and shit and had a haircut today. Yeah, apparently it takes more than self-restraint and effort for me to grow my hair out long, heh.

Extremism

As much as I hate to admit this;
You know how the saying 'old habits
die hard'?

Well, I believe the ol' saying is right on the dot because things haven't been going smooth as of late(emotionally/spiritually/etc) and the fact that I'm starting to conform to past vices, isn't a very good indication of how this mind of mine should be.

Look at the Stars

Another year has passed by and all that's left are fond memories and thoughts of what surrounds the past, the present and the future.

& just so you know,
I'm going to miss all of this.

Confessions(Part 3)

"Why do you do that?"

" Do what?" I asked, startled from your sudden, abrupt inquisition.

" You know, smile like that. Why do you always smile like that?" you inquired once more as though solving this riddle would probably then lead you to a much bigger meaning or understanding of life(maybe, partly).

" Why? Do I look like a crazy person if I did so?" My face suddenly filled with worried lines, unable to conceal the insecurities filled within me by that little seedling of a thought.

" No, it's not that..." you answered leaving your response untied with loose ends, making me more eager - Interested to know if your reply could reveal the meaning behind your cryptic messages.

 " I shouldn't do it anymore, should I? It just makes me look much, much worse, am I right?" I uttered words that I hardly disclose to others. I admit that I can act quite proud in front of a mere stranger but with you, these feelings that are convoluted with a lack of uncertainty and disdain to one's self is hard to contain and so at times, I unleash what Pandora has been trying to confine and masquerade to the general perception of others all along.

" No when you smile like that, you smile as though you're hiding this huge secret. Like you're the only keeper to that concealed truth and no one else on this earth would be able to pry it out from you." You replied with a certain air of respect and sincerity I found both funny and adorable and so once again, I smiled that secretive smile of mine. You then continued on but this time, with much warmth, adoration and a light-hearted smile on your part,

" Besides, I'd like it if you smiled like that more often. It always makes me happy when you do and also you might not know when someone is going to fall in love with that beautiful smile of yours."

Exit: Stage Right

For the past few days, I've been indulging myself with the constant replay of ' The Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind'. Maybe it's due to the beautiful storyline it's been blessed with or maybe it's Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet's amazing performance throughout it all or maybe it's due to the riveting, melancholic soundtrack which made this ears of mine weep with much emotion.

Either way, watching it has made me turn into this sappy, lovestruck teen I've been trying to avoid being these past couple of months which isn't going so well to tell you the truth. The plan was to ignore whatever attraction/infatuation I'd have with anyone of the opposite sex, concentrate on what's important(academics, studies, etc) until I finally graduate from this place or if that isn't possible, trying wouldn't be too hard am I right? You'd think by now, I would've gotten used to being alone but the truth is far from it.

To be frank, one of the things I miss about being with someone else is how I could tell them anything. Calling the person up in the middle of the night and have them listen to me babble on non-stop about how the world is being far more psychotic than what it actually should be, the fact that cats here are humongous for some particular reason and everything else in between while we make up skype dates and seeing the other's funny morning face as we sip cups and cups of coffee to perk ourselves up for each other's view.

I guess I just miss feeling like I matter, like my life meant something or is significant to another. Because so far, things aren't adding up and I'm just going through the motions like I'm lost at sea - a feeling I've somewhat been having for quite sometime now.

Ironic

You have no idea how elated I was at that very moment when you started speaking with me so coolly and casually like we've been buds for the longest time. We conversed about simple things, nothing too complicated nor hard for this mind of ours to think it through and that was the part I truly enjoyed throughout the whole day today.

But then you uttered words which weren't thought through and when I heard them, it felt like you placed a handful of salt into my already opened wounds. Funny, how you made my day and all the same ruined it. Funny, how I'm being overly dramatic and replaying this scene in my head over and over again.

Because of an infatuation,
I'm making myself go through all this again.
Fuck this shit.

Decadence

" You see, I have two prime choices to choose from and that's either to study in the UK or in Australia but I'm not exactly sure which one to pick from because both of them sound alright to me - as long as I graduate from a known university with a higher education, that's that."

As you explained your predicaments to me, hues of smoke tinted by the orange fluorescent lights from above crowded our surrounding atmosphere. They danced alongside our silhouettes, tingling our senses with whatever notion they could possibly provoke however, you tried to ensure that none of them came my way because although I had a minute taste for a cancer stick or two, I never liked inhaling the smell of those acidic fumes. They always gave me a slight headache.

" Well, it isn't that difficult. I'm sure you've already picked a place to your liking but you just need a little bit of validation so you can then finally make a decision. Am I right? "

You took a long, hard drag from your mentholated cigarette and exhaled with a slight sigh. Slowly but surely in time, you will reveal to me why things are somewhat complicated as they are and that's what those times have proven to you what I've become throughout the years - the attentive listener, the patient friend, the trustworthy confidante(until now, that is). Someone who is able to make your problems/insights run less amok and put everything into it's own perspective place or at least, that's what you've told me once before.

" Both my parents want me to continue my studies in Australia. You know, the whole time-distance thing is much, much less than it is in the UK. I have relatives in Sydney and my mom insists that I 'get to know them more' but I hardly doubt that since I've never met them before, ever. But she's hopeful and might probably want a family reunion to happen among us so we can then start singing 'Kum Ba Ya' around a fucking campfire and shit. 

Again, something I highly doubt would happen but like I said, she's hopeful. That's what you get from being an only child - your parents' constant worries. Or in my case, if I'm doing swell in the social department."

You said all that with an exasperated face and I knew I had to cheer you up, so I then replied,

 "But aren't you? I mean eventhough you do have a tendency to get all blunt, sarcastic and dare I say, snarky with your comments and comebacks, I think you are taking the affirmed baby steps needed to come out of that wrapped up cocoon of yours , believe you me. And besides, you're conversing with yours truly right now. If that isn't proof, then I don't know what is! "

 You then chuckled and readjusted yourself in your seat while I drank a sip of my Milo Ais, awaiting for your answer to the statements I've made beforehand.

" Usually girls don't like it when I get all honest. They find it unappealing or sometimes a total turnoff so I don't exactly tell them what thoughts linger at the top of my head. I unfortunately give them the milder form of a typical answer to any type of question, even to Jac. But with you, you seem to handle my frankness pretty well. So I'm guessing you're the weird one here with awkward social skills, not me."

You said this with a laugh and I could tell that you were enjoying making fun of me because let's be honest, as much as I come up with theories and explanations that might sound intelligent and rational to some, I truthfully suck at giving comebacks. It's a downfall that I unfortunately have, and you wanted to point that out at whatever possible situation. Something I don't exactly appreciate but I've gotten somewhat used to it because it's something you and I do - to annoy one another whenever our meet ups occur.

" Yeah, yeah, I'm weird. Fine. But getting back to our serious discussion, I think you should choose what you want Nick. I mean these sort of chances don't come often and it's your life, not theirs. Also by logical thinking, you're doing architecture so UK would be a good place to brush up on those aesthetic, creative skills. 

Besides, other European countries like Italy, Germany have such have a wide range of exposure for you and I think you'll benefit from it. If this is the validation, confirmation that you seek, then I'm all about supporting you because I know you're talented, smart and hard working. You're good enough for this. "

As you let my words sink in for a minute or two, you took your time and lighted another cigarette for your weary mind to wander around those toxic fumes. You then gave an affirmed nod, signaling that that would be the end to our important discussion, that you've made your choice.

And I hope throughout all that, you've actually made the right one.