Smother

I'm wasted, losing time
I'm a foolish, fragile spine
I want all that is not mine 
I want him but we're not right.

In the darkness I will meet my creators 
And they will all agree, that I'm a suffocator.

24 Fun Facts

1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?

Looking into someone's eyes when I am telling someone how I feel

2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way?

Last week and it was a quarrel I had with my older brother over something trivial but due to my inability to contain my emotions from getting the best of me, it escalated into something else instead. From time to time but I try not think of past events' that aren't worth being remembered.

3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them?

I'd call my parents and I'd tell them that I'm grateful for every little thing they've provided, given and blessed me with. I would also apologize to them for every mistake I've made, no matter how insignificant and ask for their forgiveness in whatever matter I've forgotten or not looked upon.

4. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?

The people whom I would tell would be those close to me like my parents, my family and my friends. As for the remaining days that I do have, I would InsyaAllah, submit myself to Allah SWT and ask for His forgiveness and may my repentance be accepted as well. And yes, I would be very much afraid.

5. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Love and Trust.

This is a difficult question to be honest because in my opinion, both love and trust are components which often times, go hand in hand. Separating these two is a move that may be detrimental in any sort of relationship but if I had to choose either one, I would choose trust.

With trust, the ability for love to blossom is there. Although the chances of it to occur may be less than likely if the chemistry isn't there for two people, there is always a higher possibility of it to happen in comparison to having a relationship with just love and no trust. Trust in whatever case is a basic foundation that all relationships are built from. Without it, cracks may start to appear and if a relationship does not recognize what it's missing, the outcome of it may be futile.

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not?

Yes, I'd take the time to save the dog's life and the reason why I would save the dog, would be because if that dog died because of my inability to sacrifice my time, I would be in utter and complete guilt. An animals' life is as important as any individuals' life and if I'd lose my job because of it, then so be it. Rezeki comes in many forms and who knows, maybe the next job would be a good start for me.

7. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most?

I've experienced both scenarios before and being hurt by someone you trust was definitely painful than being hurt by someone you love. But as I've explained in question no. 5, both of these components go hand in hand, so it's quite hard to differentiate between the two scenarios.

8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say?

It depends on the situation at hand. If I too had the same feelings for him, I'd reciprocate it but if all I've felt beforehand was mere friendship, I'd tell him that I wouldn't want our friendship to be anything more than what it is as that might be the best decision in both our cases.

9. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not?

No because death occurs to each and every inhabitant of this earth. If her/his death had occur, I think it's best that I leave it at that as Allah knows what's best for each and every situation.

10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?

I hope so, InsyaAllah.

11. Does love = sex?

I don't particularly believe so. Of course, physical intimacy has a way of solidifying a relationship, making it more interesting by having a dash of spice added into the mix but that only plays a mere part of a relationship.

In my opinion, equating love to sex is a very narrow way of looking into things. Love is being able to share your goals, your aspirations, your dreams, your beliefs, your values, your secrets, your fears and your life with someone who is able to accept, trust and share his/her life with you as well. That to me, is what love is.

12. Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not?

Probably not because it's a dog-eat-dog world and as much as it would be a good thing to be known as some sort savior to some, it would be difficult for me to lose my only source of income.

13. When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?

About two weeks ago and it was with my friends from high school regarding how I've been such a foolish person when it comes to love.

14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite/same sex, you love them or that you do not love them back?

That I love them.

15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?

Facebook because it's the only way for me to stay connected with my family and friends back home.

16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you?

A told her a few days ago and she is my mother.

17. If there was one moment and one time in the last month you'd like to change, what would you change and why?

I wouldn't want to change anything that has happened within the last month because I believe what happened has made me into a much bigger and better person, in a sense where I could reflect on my emotions and thought more and where my spiritual level has somewhat been elevated and I accept and thank Allah giving me that epiphanic moment in my life.

18. Imagine it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?

Funnily enough, I'd like my dogs, Max and Gina to be there with me.

19. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not?

Yes, I would because I think everyone is responsible for another's life and if I do have the knowledge and the tools to help someone, I should utilize it to my fullest potential.

20. You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision?

I would let my grandmother go because as much as I'd like her to continue on living and being amongst us, I know she's suffering little by little everyday and she'd like to finally end her days. As much as this might sound presumptuous, I think if she were in this situation, she would've like the baby to be the alive and well as I.

21. Are you old fashioned?

I would say I am regarding certain issues.

22. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it? 

Yesterday night.

23. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why?
 
True love with a guarantee of a broken heart because I've finally been able to taste the sweetness of what being in love is able to bring instead of never being loved at all and wondering how does true love in actuality feels like.

24. If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be?

Have a happy, healthy life with the people whom I love and matter.

Moving On

There's this speck of insecurity that has grown into turmoil within the pits of my insides and with it, I begin to wonder if I am capable of getting anything right.

It has been a while since my emotions have been smacked right in the kisser and it wasn't exactly a pleasant feeling for one who has been looking at things/situations/people through rose-tinted glasses for long periods at a time. Somehow Malaysia has the capabilities of lowering my guards when it comes to this sudden (un)appreciative epiphany that happens at every end of the academic year.

My summer holidays thus far has been bittersweet - more non-requested responsibilities, unpredictable life lessons and incomprehensible emotional fuckery that I've unfortunately let myself entertain long enough this current month. Apparently convincing myself that '2 more years of med school is going to go by fast' is much, much more difficult than I thought. Somehow my thought process has somewhat omitted that following fact and the idea of me starting up school, being back there and etc, makes me all the more nervous than ever but I shan't think of it no more. If I could survive 4 years of it, what would 2 more years of it make, am I right?

Besides, there this part of me that can't wait to immerse myself in school, to get distracted with books, medical knowledge and all that kind of hubbub. Forget past events, past troubles and just focus on the present and plan for the future. That's how it's going to be for the rest of my days, I suppose.

Thank You

Milwaukee

I haven't been able to sleep well these last few days and although a big reason as to why I'm experiencing this unwanted torment is due to my over-zealous sleeping pattern that has gotten haywire to the point where I'll sleep for two to three hours a day, it is also due to my mind constantly playing tricks on me, mostly in the middle of these humid, summer nights.

Flashes are what I would get when thoughts of you would start to be difficult for me to ignore and sometimes I wonder if you'd encounter the same exact effect as I have. Do we even have the same remembrance of what happened during those long nights? Do you remember us being guided by those sepia-toned lights while we listened along to Bon Iver's Holocene, playing serenely in the background?

Maybe my mind might have been over-dramatizing those bits and pieces many would've found to be trivial throughout the whole car ride home but I remember listening to Justin Vernon's vocals being more refined, crystal-clear than all of the other times I've replayed that particular track, over and over the past 6 months' prior. It was as though I could finally understand that exceptional feeling he was trying to relay towards his listeners and it was a mixture of emotions, all blended into one and it was on such an occasion as that night, was I able to finally comprehend each of those muted feelings without a need to google nor wiki the meaning behind that special, substantial track.

As I savored this feeling and moment of unspoken clairvoyance that I've suddenly stumbled upon, not wanting it to leave my whole being just yet, I realized of how foolish I've been then. Why? Because I knew not many people have been able to understand nor appreciate the many layers of certainty I was finally exposed to. And so I smiled because I felt grateful for being able to be there, at that time, at that moment, with you.

But do you know what was the craziest thing?

When I looked into the window's reflection, I could see you smiling as though you too, understood the significance of that momentous occasion, where the silence in between us filled up the ambiguous spaces that were left for us to finally make amends to the past 8 months we've been putting ourselves through.

It was then that I knew, what you also knew;
That everything between you and I, just felt so right.

Dear Beloved,

Summer Skin

I could taste the sun as it beats heavily down on me so as to ensure that my skin is kissed so tantalizingly by it's emitting rays. Summer has finally graced us with it's presence and I'm constantly reminded of this by my parched tongue which shamelessly begs for a drink or two, thinking that maybe this liquified elixir could finally be the cure to the pounding headache I've been experiencing for the past couple of hours. But unfortunately, it was not.

Really summer,
Y U being so hot?

"Te extraño"

An accumulation of decipherable thoughts and a substantial extent of it's meaning; all of this could be represented in the form of an action, instead of mere spoken words that do nothing but(maybe) enhance a reader's vivid sense of imagination(if she or he, has one).

What are words, in comparison to an individual's action?
What are actions, in comparison to an individual's word?

We wonder and ponder and conclude that only through coordinated acts are were able to show others as well as ourselves, the actual justifications of our emotion towards them. Without it acting as a basic foundation, a solidification as to how one can acknowledge their appreciation towards another, how is anyone capable to comprehend the full extent of another human being's adoration and intensity thoroughly?

But often do we neglect the obscure, hidden messages that linger within the exchange of everyday conversations, that are filled to the brim with much clarity. Why do we constantly take these things for granted? Why do we toss these things aside, seeking for other means to make our conclusions, whole?

When I spoke with you, I knew that the act of you calling, was more than I could comprehend. However, were you and I on the same page as I presumed us to be? That, I was uncertain and truth be told, it was very much daunting and frightening to be placed in a state of vulnerability, where neither you nor the other is sure of whatever fate awaits them. Yet, I knew time was of the essence and that things that are fragile as this, aren't meant to be pushed under any circumstance, no matter how serious it may be.

And it was during our recent phone call, did you manage to utter your terms of endearment towards me in a form of a simple sentence, encompassing 3 words. Maybe distance is the main reason as to why I feel words are of importance in comparison to actions; Because not only do we take time to say these form of expressions to one another but it also means that we value the actual meaning found with the revelation of those words and that they are not something to trifled playfully around with.

I suppose, I just wanted to end this post with a simple, 4-word sentence of my own:
"I miss you too."

Lonely Hearts

&

I only wish to be enveloped in such a company,

for each and every night.

Silver Lining

Today, I experienced a sequence of unfortunate events.

First of, I went for my usual classes which normally starts at 8am(and I usually reach my destination by walking), only to find out that classes today were cancelled. So, I had to make two trips, to and fro, under the blazing summer sun. Secondly, the zipper to one of my favourite shoes snapped, all the while I was putting them on and currently, I'm not sure if I can actually use them without any complications, thereafter. Thirdly, I almost got ditched by the bus driver for arriving late due to prior complications (classes being cancelled, shoes being problematic and etc) and so, I had to brisk walk from my home to the bus stop(approximately, a kilometer away) as I constantly received numerous calls from people to get my butt on the bus ASAP to which, Alhamdullilah, I did. And finally, after going through all those ordeals, I unfortunately, failed my ICDL exam by 6 marks(69 out 75 marks).

I won't lie, I kind of knew I wouldn't do so well for my ICDL exams. Did I study for it? I did but I suppose, it wasn't good enough. I was a bit of a nervous wreck when I was answering the MCQs and also, the heat from today made me experience a bad case of the headache and not to mention, dehydration. When I saw that I had failed, I surprisingly found myself to be in a very calm state of mind although, I think this could be due to my brain not wanting to digest anymore complex concepts nor emotions, especially when it's being fried right under the sun. However after sometime, I had to text my sister regarding the issue. My mind was beginning to plague with it's negativity and I did not want something as this to bog me down for the rest of today.

The text I received from my sister, thankfully, made my heart all the more lighter as if a heavy burden had been lifted. Her text read,

"Alaa, Takpe Ika. Ni ICDL je. Nasib baik bukan Surgery or benda yang susah, at least you dapat repeat balik. Jangan sedih, okay? I still love you :) Nanti you balik cepat sebab I dah panaskan makanan. Jom makan sama2, masa you balik nanti! :D"

Alhamdullilah, I'm grateful for having an amazing sister like her.
No doubt <3

Text Message

"So how did you know? How were you sure of it?" I asked.

Impatiently as I waited for his reply, I could see that he was trying hard to recall the absolute reason as to why the previous turn of events brought him here - to where he and her began. I started to irritably pick my nails - a habit I unfortunately, have not been able to omit. For the past few days, I've been asking friends the same question, hoping that my curiosity might actually benefit from it's straight-forwardness but so far, my attempts have not been fruitful - Point blank, it's been a bust thus far. And so, I asked the only person I knew who had a much higher level of experience and understanding in the following field(and believe you me, he was my last hope in knowing what I did not). Slowly, he began to face me, signaling that he had already thought out his answer and as I waited for him to finally speak the words I long to comprehend, the only thing I hoped for is an answer to my simple, unjustified question.

"You just know, you know? It's hard for me to say because everyone differs.
 But once you know that that's it, you're pretty much set," he responded.

I sighed. I was hoping I could get something more out of him but alas, his answer was an equivalent to the other gazillion people I asked, beforehand. As I was about to pester him with my next question, vibrations pulsed through me. Again and again and again, I felt my phone buzzed with much delight and I wondered who could it be. And coincidentally, it was a text from you.

As I read your text, I couldn't help but smile and I could feel my insides began to churn with such glee. How could one text alone turn me into this beaming ray of sunshine that others and even myself, hardly get to see? After I've replied your message, I was finally able to give my full attention back to him and that's when I saw him smile. Confused, I asked why the sudden expression and he replied,"They say that just by looking at someone, you can tell if that person is in love - Dude, you're so falling head over heels for him."

 I blushed as he said those words because maybe, just maybe, my heart is falling for you, slowly but surely.

A Case of You

My eyes, they wander as I write this as does my mind and it comes to a point where they both simultaneously reach a dead end.

'What is there to look?
What is there to think?'

On and on these questions echo yet no answer was retrieved and again, these organs of mine begin to take flight and repeat the same dreary activities that fill my time with a hint of bitterness as it seems. It's within periods as these however, I often catch myself reminiscing on thoughts of you. On the conversations I had with you. On the details I remembered of you.

Like how you always had that gleam in your eye whenever a mischievous thought arose from you.
How a wide-cracked smile would stretch upon your face before a laughter ensues.
How you'd always pout, subconsciously, if a decision were to be made right there and then.
How you'd always take your caffeine fix with 3 sachets of sugar instead of 2 because it had the 'right' amount of taste to it.
How you'd pride over your wide selection of music on your iTunes.
How you'd start comparing your general knowledge with mine because mine seems somewhat 'inferior'(Oh brother, puh-lease).
How you'd get all starry-eyed when you reminisce about THE girl back home.
How you'd start telling me all these intricate details whenever a story-telling session comes up.
How you'd tell me every single thought, incident or event that happened in your life.

And isn't it funny when things don't turn out the way you expected them to? How one single event could turn this friendship of ours into a big blundering mess?

Whenever I cross paths with you(and a majority of them occur either accidentally or coincidentally), that smile that I would readily beam at you in a heartbeat, no questions asked, would start to fade away. My eyes could not bear to meet yours and my heart would be filled with much guilt and heartache that only God knows I can only withstand. What am I to do but pretend that everything between you and I are alright? What else can I do to ensure that things won't take an awkward turn for the worse?

It's also during these periods of silence-engulfing moments, that I start to wonder if you've moved on to a much better state of mind, leaving me here to fend for myself, alone, against the ghosts of our unwanted past. But more often than not, I wonder if God would be able to forgive me for my malicious sins. Because from time to time, these questions begin to surround me, submerge me and I find myself drowning in my own pool of demise.

The Papercut

"What's your favourite word?" he asked and I, the girl who is always spontaneous and quick to answer any kind of question, no matter how silly nor serious it was, came to a still. I could feel a rush of blood to my head overcoming me, causing my ears to ring with such tremendous volume. But I knew one word that represented me, that spoke of my character with such clarity.

"Ambivalent. Ambivalent is my favourite word because I've always been able to identify myself with it." He merely acknowledge my answer and we continued on our conversation with awkward pauses in between, trying our best to conceal the manifesting doubts we had from within. At one point, the silence which crept behind us, oh-so-slowly, began to impede, causing us to realize that we were both exasperated, suffocating from our own hopes and expectations of this. My eyes bore onto my computer screen as I started contemplating on what I should be doing, on what righteous act my heart is asking me to act upon. And so I did.

"Can we just be friends?" I asked.
A fleeting moment passed and hesitantly but finally, he said yes.
At that moment, I didn't care about what he felt for me or what his feelings were, no.
In all honesty, I'm glad that I've finally gotten my freedom back.

Sleeping Pills

In the midst of all this hullabaloo, I am very much upset with myself. I can't seem to understand nor fathom what's been happening these past few months and although I try as hard as I may, I'm just very much confused with my very own wants, emotions and also well-being. Sometimes I ask myself why am I not firm enough with my own principles, my own beliefs, my own set of rules, that I shamelessly have to disintegrate them into decayed pieces, just so I can accommodate the wants or needs of others? I mean, what is wrong with me? Am I not strong enough? Am I too much of a people-pleaser to keep up with this constant, unwanted charade that I subconsciously act upon whenever I feel like I don't get a certain type of attention in the real world?

To be completely honest, I absolutely abhor the state my mind can sometimes be in. To put myself into these situations where guys would start chatting up to me and feel like we've actually 'hit it off', somewhere along the little messages and conversations we were exchanging (it must've been one hell of an ego-booster for me to think that 'Hey, someone likes me'. How fucking superficial can I be?) just shows how 'sociable' I really am . Realistically speaking, people flirt, one way or another - boys, girls - we all do it at some point to spice things up especially when an initial attraction is present. This is very much an inevitable, innate character that each of us possess.

But when you start involving someone else's feelings and I mean, genuine emotions that might end up with him having a deep, passionate affection towards you, do you still want to continue on doing what you're fucking doing? Do you want him to keep on believing that you too feel the same way as he does and that maybe, maybe he might have a bloody chance of meaning something more to you than 'just friends'? When this thought has finally submerged from the inner depths of your being, that's when you're fucked; you start to realize that you're in way too deep and you panic. You start flipping the fuck out because you can't even imagine yourself being in a real, committed relationship or whether this 'bond' you two have would even work out after all due to so many unforeseen differences being picked up by you and this may very well mean that it would be doomed from the start and so you sever all ties with him.

You stop skyping. You stop texting. You stop twitting back his replies. You stop doing anything that might have any sort of connection/communication with him. Why? Because you are fucking unsure of yourself. You led him to believe that you are in this for the long run but you were just trying to fill in the gaps in your pathetic, shitty life. You made someone open themselves up to you, completely but what do you offer him in return? Nothing. You only thought of your own selfish self and in the end, hurt someone who cared genuinely for you. Again, why? Because you're just so fucking unsure of yourself, because you let your own fickle-mindedness get the very best of you, because you let your own bloody past experiences dictate your future relationships.

I am one fucking broken, horrible human being.

Happy Birthday To Me

From 21 going on 22

and now, it's finally official.

Alhamdullilah and thank you Allah for letting me live on till the age of 22.

I know I must've been one annoying subject to deal with but for what

it's worth, know that I am trying to better myself, one day at a time

and I suppose, trying is better than not doing anything at all.

Identify Me.

"Do you ever wonder whether people would like you more or less if they could see inside you? ...I always wonder about that. If people could see me the way I see myself - if they could live in my memories - would anyone, anyone, love me?" - John Green

This sentence fucking got to me.