"What's your favourite word?" he asked and I, the girl who is always spontaneous and quick to answer any kind of question, no matter how silly nor serious it was, came to a still. I could feel a rush of blood to my head overcoming me, causing my ears to ring with such tremendous volume. But I knew one word that represented me, that spoke of my character with such clarity.
"Ambivalent. Ambivalent is my favourite word because I've always been able to identify myself with it." He merely acknowledge my answer and we continued on our conversation with awkward pauses in between, trying our best to conceal the manifesting doubts we had from within. At one point, the silence which crept behind us, oh-so-slowly, began to impede, causing us to realize that we were both exasperated, suffocating from our own hopes and expectations of this. My eyes bore onto my computer screen as I started contemplating on what I should be doing, on what righteous act my heart is asking me to act upon. And so I did.
"Can we just be friends?" I asked.
A fleeting moment passed and hesitantly but finally, he said yes.
At that moment, I didn't care about what he felt for me or what his feelings were, no.
In all honesty, I'm glad that I've finally gotten my freedom back.
Monday, 5 March 2012
Thursday, 1 March 2012
Sleeping Pills
In the midst of all this hullabaloo, I am very much upset with myself. I can't seem to understand nor fathom what's been happening these past few months and although I try as hard as I may, I'm just very much confused with my very own wants, emotions and also well-being. Sometimes I ask myself why am I not firm enough with my own principles, my own beliefs, my own set of rules, that I shamelessly have to disintegrate them into decayed pieces, just so I can accommodate the wants or needs of others? I mean, what is wrong with me? Am I not strong enough? Am I too much of a people-pleaser to keep up with this constant, unwanted charade that I subconsciously act upon whenever I feel like I don't get a certain type of attention in the real world?
To be completely honest, I absolutely abhor the state my mind can sometimes be in. To put myself into these situations where guys would start chatting up to me and feel like we've actually 'hit it off', somewhere along the little messages and conversations we were exchanging (it must've been one hell of an ego-booster for me to think that 'Hey, someone likes me'. How fucking superficial can I be?) just shows how 'sociable' I really am . Realistically speaking, people flirt, one way or another - boys, girls - we all do it at some point to spice things up especially when an initial attraction is present. This is very much an inevitable, innate character that each of us possess.
But when you start involving someone else's feelings and I mean, genuine emotions that might end up with him having a deep, passionate affection towards you, do you still want to continue on doing what you're fucking doing? Do you want him to keep on believing that you too feel the same way as he does and that maybe, maybe he might have a bloody chance of meaning something more to you than 'just friends'? When this thought has finally submerged from the inner depths of your being, that's when you're fucked; you start to realize that you're in way too deep and you panic. You start flipping the fuck out because you can't even imagine yourself being in a real, committed relationship or whether this 'bond' you two have would even work out after all due to so many unforeseen differences being picked up by you and this may very well mean that it would be doomed from the start and so you sever all ties with him.
You stop skyping. You stop texting. You stop twitting back his replies. You stop doing anything that might have any sort of connection/communication with him. Why? Because you are fucking unsure of yourself. You led him to believe that you are in this for the long run but you were just trying to fill in the gaps in your pathetic, shitty life. You made someone open themselves up to you, completely but what do you offer him in return? Nothing. You only thought of your own selfish self and in the end, hurt someone who cared genuinely for you. Again, why? Because you're just so fucking unsure of yourself, because you let your own fickle-mindedness get the very best of you, because you let your own bloody past experiences dictate your future relationships.
I am one fucking broken, horrible human being.
To be completely honest, I absolutely abhor the state my mind can sometimes be in. To put myself into these situations where guys would start chatting up to me and feel like we've actually 'hit it off', somewhere along the little messages and conversations we were exchanging (it must've been one hell of an ego-booster for me to think that 'Hey, someone likes me'. How fucking superficial can I be?) just shows how 'sociable' I really am . Realistically speaking, people flirt, one way or another - boys, girls - we all do it at some point to spice things up especially when an initial attraction is present. This is very much an inevitable, innate character that each of us possess.
But when you start involving someone else's feelings and I mean, genuine emotions that might end up with him having a deep, passionate affection towards you, do you still want to continue on doing what you're fucking doing? Do you want him to keep on believing that you too feel the same way as he does and that maybe, maybe he might have a bloody chance of meaning something more to you than 'just friends'? When this thought has finally submerged from the inner depths of your being, that's when you're fucked; you start to realize that you're in way too deep and you panic. You start flipping the fuck out because you can't even imagine yourself being in a real, committed relationship or whether this 'bond' you two have would even work out after all due to so many unforeseen differences being picked up by you and this may very well mean that it would be doomed from the start and so you sever all ties with him.
You stop skyping. You stop texting. You stop twitting back his replies. You stop doing anything that might have any sort of connection/communication with him. Why? Because you are fucking unsure of yourself. You led him to believe that you are in this for the long run but you were just trying to fill in the gaps in your pathetic, shitty life. You made someone open themselves up to you, completely but what do you offer him in return? Nothing. You only thought of your own selfish self and in the end, hurt someone who cared genuinely for you. Again, why? Because you're just so fucking unsure of yourself, because you let your own fickle-mindedness get the very best of you, because you let your own bloody past experiences dictate your future relationships.
I am one fucking broken, horrible human being.
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