Fall Into Pieces

"Hey, are you hearing me? Okay. This morning Mama talked to me about Nenek, a few years before she passed away. She seldom talks about her but out of the blue, she suddenly wanted to talk about her since she and I were the only ones awake that morning.

 She conversed about how Nenek had to take care of Atuk and his relatives when they stayed at her place. At the time, Mama and Papa were both married. Mama who worked as a nurse, always gave part of her income to Nenek, ensuring she would receive enough money to get herself by but when Papa made Mama quit her job to take care of the house and kids, Nenek didn't get enough to support herself.

And Mama felt so guilty. The situation was made much worse when Nenek was given more work, more responsibilities to uphold as she was Atuk's wife and after some time she got very sick, not knowing that she had cancer. A few years after Mama's retirement, Nenek passed away and that left a deep gash in Mama's heart. 

When she finished telling me that story, she was crying. She wasn't facing me or anything like that and she didn't have to because I knew. I knew that that tore her heart into pieces"

Thankyoumoreplease

I've watched this movie called 'HappyThankYouMorePlease', written and directed by Josh Radner and if you're unsure who that is, it's Ted Mosby in 'How I Met Your Mother'. I honestly found his directorial debut to be good - somewhat meaningful, philosophical and this coming from a funny guy of the current most beloved show. A quote from the movie I found to be very much inspirational was this:

"About a year ago, I was in this cab, and the cab driver, this Indian guy starts telling me all sorts of stuff… He said, ‘You have great potential in this lifetime, and the key to your life is gratitude, you do not give it enough thanks.’ And I said, ‘Well, how do I do that?’ And he said, ‘Simple, say thank you!’…And he said after I say thank you, I should say more please… So that gratitude in the universe is eternally abundant.. so, I’ve been giving gratitude a shot. Thankyoumoreplease, thankyoumoreplease…"

To be able to find a good movie or music nowadays is hard. I admit, I'm not very much of a searcher like I was a few years ago but I am absolutely grateful that StarWorld on Astro has a wide range of movies to watch on since HBO is exactly my cup of tea. That and Youtube makes searching music on a related note pretty much more easier. Yes, you might think what I'm writing here now has absolutely no significant value but meh, it's not like I'm leaving you guys with nothing in hand - Please listen and do enjoy.

Blessing In Disguise

I got the news a few hours ago that my results were out(my repeats actually) and guess what? I passed. I amazinglysuperlyduperlyfuckinglyawesome passed! With both my repeats and 6th sem papers not being on the fritz, I can finally know and acknowledge the fact that I can get my ass into 4th year without any hesitation.

My dad wants to have a family dinner tonight because of this and I couldn't be any more happier. Now to only get what I've been wanting to purchase these past few weeks: a stethoscope and a lab coat. Alhamdullilah, life is absolute divine at this current moment and I couldn't ask for a much better timing :)

Late Nights

It's kind of funny, how both you and I met. It all started with a comment or two on one of the most interactive social networks found on the internet and boom, there we were - in the middle of the park, smoking a cigarette or two(six, in your case), out in the open moonlight.

As we talked, my eyes wandered from top to bottom, savoring the details it was about to seize. Your hair short with a slight hint of brown as it's always been, your eyes lethargic from today's events but your physique has definitely gotten much better. It was fun asking you random questions, knowing that your relationship is still going on strong and learning new things about you although there were a few awkward pauses here and there. But I have to admit, you've definitely grown up quite a lot from the last time I've met you.

After an hour's talk, we said our goodbyes and hugged it out for the night. And as you left, the scent of your cigarettes still linger on me but that wasn't what bothered me, no. It was the scent of your cologne that has perforated my mind and has somehow deliberately tinted it with thoughts of you and that was(if you'd actually believe me), exactly 4 hours ago.

I must be crazy.

Books/Novels/Reads

It's been a while since I've stepped foot into any bookstore and you have no idea how I suddenly went on a whim to get whatever appealed to this bookworm's frantic senses. The pleasures of getting new books that are in such mint condition, to read it again and again till you could see the impressions and indentations left on those books and the newly gained knowledge one is able to cultivate - each time different than the previous one discovered.

I spent all of my duit raya earnings buying books summing up to RM 200 and I know that that might sound like a gamble but believe me, to invest something for your mind to ponder and reflect on is never a waste of money. Ever. So, here's a list of what I bought(which isn't that much really due to their individual prices):

1. A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini
2. Hector and the Search For Happiness by François Lelord
3. Blue Eyed Boy by Joanne Harris and finally
4. The Years of Extermination: Nazi Germany and the Jews(1939-1945) by Saul Friedländer

And although I've read Khaled Hosseini's novel before, I've always loved the book for it's original storyline and the endearing characters in them. Call me a feminist if you must but who wouldn't love a book if it weren't etched with the untold brutality and hardships of women on the other side of the world of the same religion as I? Yep, that book is pretty much a keeper. But I have to admit, I'm actually excited to read up Saul Friedländer's novel since I've always had this fascination with World War II, the Nazis and the Jews. Call me weird but history does fascinate me - just don't include the ones from high school.

Both novels by François Lelord and Joanne Harris are just reads that I bought so I could bring along with me once my next academic year start since it'll be a hassle to find good books there and honestly, to read any form of chick lit even if it did win any kind of recognition is futile. Remember 'The shopaholic' series by Sophie Kinsella, the 'Twilight' series by Stephenie Meyer and 'P.S. I Love you' by Cecilia Ahern? Those are a few examples that make the brain cells in my head drop off and die by a higher magnitude and number. Can never tolerate those sort of literature a few years back and not now either, unfortunately.

The Memory of You Sleeping

My head was weary, my soul tired and so I let them quiet down with a sweeping desire to sleep my despair away but all I got was a dream, a dream I contemplated once or twice if it was truly you. Your hair, those eyes, those dimples that surrounded your smile, they were all too vivid, too real to be true but all I wanted was to be near you. Even if it was for a minute or two, maybe this dream could mend this broken heart that was shattered into two.

But once that dream left my mind, all I could do was cry - cry an endless river that I've suppressed for far too long and instead of wondering why my insides were torn, I let myself wander and wander till I found myself gone. Although I've lessened my burden by not talking/thinking/wondering about you too often, the feeling I have of you still didn't wane yet instead, cause many other problems to become astray. Too many over-looked problems.

They say to ease a bitter heart, one must delete all memories of the (in)considerate other and this could be done by removing all pictures taken, collages given, gifts received nor given and etc but I found the following concept to somehow become much of a cowardly act, one I find much distressing to this soul. Yet are my opinions and views of things being placed up high on a pedestal, being considered as too important nor proud, that I'm scarring my own mental health away? Unfortunately, it looks so and this is the first time I'm finally admitting it out loud.

Going through all the pictures and videos of you and I on this laptop somehow made this heart lose it's capabilities to harden but more or less, quiver than tremble with a slight hint of guilt. Maybe some might consider this as an act of courage and some an act of stupidity but at the end of the day, my sanity is what I want it to be; sane. You are no longer in my life and I am no longer in yours and although we had a good run(a good long run), nothing lasts forever if it's not meant to be. I just wish this heart would listen to the advice it was given to heed.

& of all the pictures I have of you deleted,
I'm keeping this because the memory of you sleeping
is able to keep this heart of mine unknowingly at ease.