Escape

My heart has been palpating for the past few hours and I know it's because of what I have to face in the near future. Thinking about it has made me feel anxious, uneasy and nervous to the point where I just can't think straight. It's scary to think that this, this is your last chance to make it right and if you don't, well jokes on you then. Life can have it's ups and downs and maybe that coming point in time, would be the pinnacle of what every downfall you've ever experienced before to be considered as just tiny specks of bubbles in comparison to the coming raging waves of sea.

It's been 6 hours since I last ate anything
and my stomach is refusing to let anything go down without a fight.
So much for food trying to calm my nerves down.

لا تحزن

My mom called a moment ago and I don't know why but I could suddenly feel myself about to fall apart at the seams. I tried very hard not to sound too melancholic nor cry while I was on the phone with her but it was a tad bit hard. Sometimes I wonder why she has to put up with a daughter who keeps on bringing this depressing vibe with her, everytime and everywhere she goes even if we are miles apart. I feel bad for her for having me as a daughter.

The only thing that's preventing me from doing so is my good amount of common sense telling me that if I did let myself go at this point into the pits of despair, I'll probably fuck up everything in the process and make myself go through the same dingy, dark place I'd been to a summer ago.

And for fuck's sake,
I do not want to go back there again.
Looks like I have to bottle this up and hope it won't lead to another meltdown.

One of the Reasons Why

I think,
British Music > American Music.

Phobic

We sat and waited for what our stomachs had been grumbling for for the past half an hour, and in between the anticipation to fill our stomachs to the brim, we talked about what had been going on for the past couple of weeks because the unwanted effects of exams had turned everything into a blur and I suppose, I wanted to catch up on how things were going with her. That, and also about her new boy.

Words of affection and infatuation poured from her lips like an open stream as she told me stories of her and him. About how in the longest of times, she had never felt this happy before, about how in the littlest of ways, he makes her feel and become a much more better person than what she currently is and I guess the list goes on and on from there(something I won't bore you with, fortunately). I admit, eventhough the whole love-struck conversation made a sudden tinge of awkwardness start to bloom deep from within me without a moment too soon, seeing her happy made the whole thing tolerable. It's either that or I must've been in a good mood all morning, heh.

Then she asked a question I've been trying to avoid for much too long,
"So when are you going to get yourself a boyfriend?"

I smiled and told her that the following issue isn't exactly in my current state of mind. That all I want to do now is get finals done and over with, finish up this year, the next and eventually soon graduate from here(InsyaAllah). She didn't press on but she knew that as of right now, I just don't want to get myself involve in whatever relationship, love fest everyone seems to be partaking here these days. It'll be just too messy and complicated for my own livelihood.

Sure, it'd be another one of those euphoric, riveting moments I'll remember and etch so deep within my heart that maybe I'll start to bleed due to it's over-powering effect on me but why gamble my heart for something that won't work out? For something that won't last? For something that would disappear and fade within hindsight? As much as I might sound like a skeptic and a bit too much of a cynic on the front lines of love, I'm starting to accept that people actually do pretty well without someone's indefinite love and affection towards them. That's how it logically goes, believe you me.

By the way,

my sister told me a moment ago that she feels that we(her siblings) have been undermining her contributions into making this household a hygienic environment, one that all of us could live and breathe in and she feels terribly, terribly unappreciated because of it. I scoffed and apathetically told her, "Well, welcome to the struggle that I have to put up with on a daily basis." Who knew exams could have the ability to turn the nicest people into such annoying, sarcastic ones.

Dwindling

My head feels heavy from all the consumed information I took on and vomited awhile ago and to be honest, that paper was hard. Particularly hard. I've checked my answers, counted and re-counted my total marks and I barely scraped through - that is, assuming the total amount I've calculated is even consistent with whatever numerical findings I've gotten.

Five more papers to go(or in my case, seven) and frankly,
I really feel like I'd want this to end now.
Very much so.

Water Colours

Lately I've been having numerous epiphanies and truthfully, it's been a long time since I've actually felt a connection or some kind of indescribable bond with the big guy from above. This I suppose, is somewhat of a rekindled revelation in my situation.

I'm just hoping that
it wouldn't end before it actually started.

Done Deal

Maybe it's time to start letting old wounds heal and the broken, shattered pieces of my heart be swept from across the floor and under the rug because I don't think I want this to go on anymore. I don't think I think I can be mad at you and hope that good or potentially great things don't come your way.

I know,
I'm better than that.