2012

Every year, I would always list down my resolutions without fail. A list of 5, a list of 10, sometimes the resolutions would further go on to be 15 then because I've always been the type of person who believes that by making them important, they will consequently turn themselves into my very own accomplishments - something which I cannot deny has happened before, mind you.

Still, I can't believe we're now moving into another chapter of our lives - from the year 2011 to that of the year 2012. It's funny how I still remember memories of high school, being in that dreadful turquoise-coloured pinafore, talking, playing, goofing around, being among people I miss and somehow now, longed a connection for. And I guess that was my fatal mistake; taking each and every one of those individuals for granted.

I know that life is filled with so many ironic twists and turns, that maybe you have to go through so many fucked up shit, befriend a few new faces while having to leave the old ones behind, to have the love of your life shoot you down like you mean nothing to them and meet other retarded motherfuckers that will make your life an unbearable living hell to the point where you'd either wish to end yours or theirs but that's how things work. That's how the universe works - to bring you down, break you apart, shred you into a million little pieces, only to have you, yourself, pick em up and reassemble them once more. And who knows, maybe you might end up being a much better/stronger/smarter/tougher version than you originally once were?

Looking back at my life, my previous post-adolescent years, I can't help but feel an emptiness, a certain kind of void that lies within me and I won't lie, sometimes that uneasiness still creeps up on me from time to time. But to be able to get myself this far; without the need to self-destruct, to feel unhappy at the slightest event, to not have the tendency to feel as though life is nothing in comparison to that of an endless, slumbering sleep - is something that I relish and still hope for.

When a friend asked what my resolutions for the year 2012 would be, I simply smiled. Not because I had nothing to say nor that I didn't know what to say but in actuality, that's what I would like the year 2012 to be.

I would like myself to be happy,
and there is nothing more I would wish for than this.

Mute

All day today, I could feel myself unsatisfied with the honest statement you gave this morning. Not because it was a scantily clad lie you fabricated to make me look all the more revolting but because within those written words of yours, I knew there was a certain degree of sincerity being uttered. With much indifference on your part, you were just fulfilling your role as a friend who was there in the need of another, believing that only with responsibility and a hint of frankness, can you get me to accept the full swing of things.

"Do you know what's your problem? You're in love with the idea of love. How grandiose, how amazing, how enthralling this feeling can be. How earth shattering it is to have someone who could love you and you loving him, whole-heartedly. 

 But once something happens, once someone starts making a move on the whole situation, you freak out. You start thinking that maybe this wasn't such a good idea to begin with, that maybe you and him might not have anything in common, that all this is just going to require more commitment and more hard work. Well wake up and smell the coffee, a relationship is an equivalent of that.

  Look, I'm not trying to discourage you from liking or having crushes on people but before you get yourself worked up on any kind of love fest(and I mean, REALLY REALLY liking someone), just chill out and think it through. If you're going to go through the same cycle of liking, realizing and eventually hating, I suggest you swear off all the boys found there. Make friends, be friends and if it happens, it happens. Just take your time, there's no need to rush.

We're only 21, you and I. If there's one thing we haven't done, we haven't seen, it's definitely the whole world and everything else in it. So just enjoy and live in the now, okay?"

 Even with all those sentences and words going against me, I have to admit that I miss you. I miss my family. I miss everything else in Malaysia. I miss being a goddamn local instead of a foreigner in a distant, misunderstood country. I just miss being surrounded with people that matter.

Walk In These Shoes

My Daily Routine
08.00 am - 03.00 pm: School
03.00 pm - 05.30 pm: Gym
05.30 pm - 06.30 pm: Shower/Entertainment/Internet
06.30 pm - 12.30 am: Sleep
12.30 am - 05.30 am: Study
05.30 am - 07.30 am: Shower/Breakfast/Internet/Entertainment

In case you're wondering why I haven't posted any interesting thoughts/blurbs/posts lately, the random fact above shall be my answer to your question. And this shall go on till winter break commences. Great.

Lost & Found

Numerous calls, texts and countless number of IMs were sent to you but you've hardly replied to any of them and now I'm starting to wonder if what happened between us was all a dream, a figment of my imagination, a thought I purposely made up to have it play on a constant loop. My mind is now a battlefield that I alone must trudge through with a nagging voice within me, contradicting every positive thought or action I'd like to somehow comprehend. Things aren't exactly how I'd imagined them to be thus far and confusion is taking me as it's hostage for the time being.

Yes, I admit I've forgotten about you(temporarily, maybe) but now, it is he who has occupied my subconscious mind. That night when it happened, it was obvious that both of us longed for some sort of connection. Him missing the love of his life, someone who he has not seen for almost a full year, separated by distance of more than 5000 miles and I, longing to feel something, anything.

Loneliness has a way of making us mere simpletons to be in a much complicated, complex position. Instead of thinking with a realistic mindset and pure logic by the side, we succumb ourselves to the petty, trivial needs of our emotions. I am a prime example of the aforementioned concept and let me tell you that the outcome so far has been a bitch. The relationship status between he and I has changed, soiled to the point that even I can't assimilate. Are we friends or aren't we?

The lines that were drawn, clear from the very start are now starting to become blurry, vague and I'm beginning to wonder if this transgression I've committed would soon come to an end. Because as much as I don't seem to care, as much as I pretend that everything is fine, know that this is starting to tear me up inside, more than what it appears to be.

Empty

We took a step back from what we were doing and I let the beatings of my heart come to a quiet standstill. With my arms locked around him and with his around mine, I embraced him whole-heartedly as though this very moment was the last time he nor I would see each other again - Before his life would be filled with unusual activities and before my mind would be preoccupied with thoughts, ideas and the general mechanics of the human body.

As I slowly brought myself across the driveway, further away from him, he suddenly called me out with a voice different than any other. It was his voice tinged with a hint of remorse and much regret.

"Ika, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I did. I feel sad that your first time was with me, a friend. That is wasn't with someone you loved. Someone who is willing to give the world to you as you would to him. Someone who has an indefinite feeling of affection and love towards you."

I stared into his eyes as he fumbled and mumbled with his words. Those eyes wouldn't look into mine, avoiding any direct contact whatsoever and I could slowly but surely feel myself going numb. My insides wanted to heave whatever it was I ate a moment ago but I ignored the current insignificant need. As I tried keeping myself composed, I smiled. I told him that it was fine. That it was I who asked him to perform such acts and that it is I who should feel ashamed.

After much convincing on my part, he got into his car and drove off without a sense of hesitation. There I stayed; motionless, indifferent, as the night's silence started engulfing me whole. A few minutes passed on and nothing had changed but a single tear drop made it's way and my heart suddenly whispered words which were unfortunately true.

That the reason I kissed him is because I wanted to forget you.

Band-Aid

It's been 3 weeks since my dad called, text-ed or even replied to any of our(mine and my siblings') emails and that seems like a first. My dad has never let an email slip through his fingers unless he's upset/disappointed/angry with us kids about something or maybe just about anything. And I believe, he might have taken this silent treatment of his to a much higher level.

Do I think what I did was wrong?

No, I hardly doubt it. But if it makes my dad turn that frown of his, upside down and have himself turned back to his jolly ol' self again, I'd would gladly admit that I'm not exactly one of the brightest, prettiest nor the most socially-inept in his bunch of offsprings. If it makes him feel any better, I'd do just about anything for him. But now, I wonder if he knew how much this sadness I have manifested in me, is starting to consume me whole.

I'm just disappointed with myself as much as he might be with me, so go figure.

Inconclusive

Lately, I've been trying to avoid emotions that I don't think I necessary need. That I could probably ignore and live without or maybe to a certain extent, pretend that I don't actually give a rat's ass. So far, the results are somewhat stagnant per say.  My school curriculum is literally starting to suffocate me, what with the countless amount of lectures and notes one needs to remember on Internal Medicine. It's not that I mind doing this everyday but with so many things to be done and information to read on, I feel like I can't actually cope. My concept and mechanics on adaptation is somehow lagging in that sense.

Procrastination has always been a friend of mine but it looks like he might want to stay a wee bit longer than usual and I don't think I have enough space in me to accommodate another defect I find none at all amusing. I have too many to count thus far and adding another one just might tip the scales and send me back a step or two in the academic department.

I'm just drained right now. All I want to do is sleep for the next few days, uninterrupted. If only a dream, could be a wish come true.

No Room For Doubts

My mind wants a few things to be settled, taken care of but there's too many issues to choose from. Alas, I am very much preoccupied at the current moment to grasp each of the following thoughts floating in the depths of my mind. Maybe I should stop complaining, wishing and hoping that things will change with time and instead, work on whatever I could muster. I need to start sacrificing my freedom and leisure time for some deserved results.

Lethargic

It's only been the 2nd day of school and holy cow, it's been really tiring. From 8am till 3pm with a couple of breaks comprising of half an hours' time in between, things now have been at a much blurred pace. But I got to admit, having patients to examine on rather than memorizing a shitload of facts and trivia is ten times better than anything. I just got to get used to this and hopefully I shall.

Her Morning Elegance

Say 'Hello' to my little friend.

So I have a few hours left to spare before I find myself at KLIA,
getting ready to board on an airplane and now, I feel
a slight tinge of sadness within me.

Bah,
humbug.

Gagging Order

Sometimes I wonder if karma really does exist or whether it's just a term, a meaning that people purposely create for the sake of not allowing the detrimental faults of all humans to lavish and flourish on forth. One of the most common and very much sensible understanding of the word is a belief that ones' action will lead to ones' inevitable consequence. But do you personally believe in it? I do, as superstitious as that sounds.

It's not because I accentuate karma with another worldly cosmic force that sends an apocalyptic sign so we puny humans could stop, indifferently. No, I honestly regard karma as a way to comprehend and consider the loopholes and outlines of whatever calamity we're in more vigilantly, in comparison to previous other attempts we've been throughout because if not, then what is the purpose of history all this while?

I've been wanting to get something off my chest but I haven't been able to due to unforeseen circumstances or due to the fact that I'd like to avoid myself from sounding much of a jackass, what with my opinions and views on certain issues being declared selflessly. I can be very stubborn and intolerable towards the actions nor words of another and sometimes, these thoughts of mine would unfortunately, burst at the seams with an opposing remark to thwart the individual's unfiltered reflections.

But why don't we just let things go down a notch and let others carry on with their lives. As much as I'd like to know, worry and care about them, I'd would want to lead a life without all this drama polluting my bubble-laden atmosphere.

Stoned

These past few days have been a blur;

My aunt on my mother's side passed away,

My uncle on my father's side passed away,

A friend(who just turned 21) of mine got married and

another friend(who is 20) of mine got engaged.

Why is everything and everyone moving so fast nowadays?

I feel like I'm the only one in a fucking twilight zone.
Fuck.

Fall Into Pieces

"Hey, are you hearing me? Okay. This morning Mama talked to me about Nenek, a few years before she passed away. She seldom talks about her but out of the blue, she suddenly wanted to talk about her since she and I were the only ones awake that morning.

 She conversed about how Nenek had to take care of Atuk and his relatives when they stayed at her place. At the time, Mama and Papa were both married. Mama who worked as a nurse, always gave part of her income to Nenek, ensuring she would receive enough money to get herself by but when Papa made Mama quit her job to take care of the house and kids, Nenek didn't get enough to support herself.

And Mama felt so guilty. The situation was made much worse when Nenek was given more work, more responsibilities to uphold as she was Atuk's wife and after some time she got very sick, not knowing that she had cancer. A few years after Mama's retirement, Nenek passed away and that left a deep gash in Mama's heart. 

When she finished telling me that story, she was crying. She wasn't facing me or anything like that and she didn't have to because I knew. I knew that that tore her heart into pieces"

Thankyoumoreplease

I've watched this movie called 'HappyThankYouMorePlease', written and directed by Josh Radner and if you're unsure who that is, it's Ted Mosby in 'How I Met Your Mother'. I honestly found his directorial debut to be good - somewhat meaningful, philosophical and this coming from a funny guy of the current most beloved show. A quote from the movie I found to be very much inspirational was this:

"About a year ago, I was in this cab, and the cab driver, this Indian guy starts telling me all sorts of stuff… He said, ‘You have great potential in this lifetime, and the key to your life is gratitude, you do not give it enough thanks.’ And I said, ‘Well, how do I do that?’ And he said, ‘Simple, say thank you!’…And he said after I say thank you, I should say more please… So that gratitude in the universe is eternally abundant.. so, I’ve been giving gratitude a shot. Thankyoumoreplease, thankyoumoreplease…"

To be able to find a good movie or music nowadays is hard. I admit, I'm not very much of a searcher like I was a few years ago but I am absolutely grateful that StarWorld on Astro has a wide range of movies to watch on since HBO is exactly my cup of tea. That and Youtube makes searching music on a related note pretty much more easier. Yes, you might think what I'm writing here now has absolutely no significant value but meh, it's not like I'm leaving you guys with nothing in hand - Please listen and do enjoy.

Blessing In Disguise

I got the news a few hours ago that my results were out(my repeats actually) and guess what? I passed. I amazinglysuperlyduperlyfuckinglyawesome passed! With both my repeats and 6th sem papers not being on the fritz, I can finally know and acknowledge the fact that I can get my ass into 4th year without any hesitation.

My dad wants to have a family dinner tonight because of this and I couldn't be any more happier. Now to only get what I've been wanting to purchase these past few weeks: a stethoscope and a lab coat. Alhamdullilah, life is absolute divine at this current moment and I couldn't ask for a much better timing :)

Late Nights

It's kind of funny, how both you and I met. It all started with a comment or two on one of the most interactive social networks found on the internet and boom, there we were - in the middle of the park, smoking a cigarette or two(six, in your case), out in the open moonlight.

As we talked, my eyes wandered from top to bottom, savoring the details it was about to seize. Your hair short with a slight hint of brown as it's always been, your eyes lethargic from today's events but your physique has definitely gotten much better. It was fun asking you random questions, knowing that your relationship is still going on strong and learning new things about you although there were a few awkward pauses here and there. But I have to admit, you've definitely grown up quite a lot from the last time I've met you.

After an hour's talk, we said our goodbyes and hugged it out for the night. And as you left, the scent of your cigarettes still linger on me but that wasn't what bothered me, no. It was the scent of your cologne that has perforated my mind and has somehow deliberately tinted it with thoughts of you and that was(if you'd actually believe me), exactly 4 hours ago.

I must be crazy.

Books/Novels/Reads

It's been a while since I've stepped foot into any bookstore and you have no idea how I suddenly went on a whim to get whatever appealed to this bookworm's frantic senses. The pleasures of getting new books that are in such mint condition, to read it again and again till you could see the impressions and indentations left on those books and the newly gained knowledge one is able to cultivate - each time different than the previous one discovered.

I spent all of my duit raya earnings buying books summing up to RM 200 and I know that that might sound like a gamble but believe me, to invest something for your mind to ponder and reflect on is never a waste of money. Ever. So, here's a list of what I bought(which isn't that much really due to their individual prices):

1. A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini
2. Hector and the Search For Happiness by François Lelord
3. Blue Eyed Boy by Joanne Harris and finally
4. The Years of Extermination: Nazi Germany and the Jews(1939-1945) by Saul Friedländer

And although I've read Khaled Hosseini's novel before, I've always loved the book for it's original storyline and the endearing characters in them. Call me a feminist if you must but who wouldn't love a book if it weren't etched with the untold brutality and hardships of women on the other side of the world of the same religion as I? Yep, that book is pretty much a keeper. But I have to admit, I'm actually excited to read up Saul Friedländer's novel since I've always had this fascination with World War II, the Nazis and the Jews. Call me weird but history does fascinate me - just don't include the ones from high school.

Both novels by François Lelord and Joanne Harris are just reads that I bought so I could bring along with me once my next academic year start since it'll be a hassle to find good books there and honestly, to read any form of chick lit even if it did win any kind of recognition is futile. Remember 'The shopaholic' series by Sophie Kinsella, the 'Twilight' series by Stephenie Meyer and 'P.S. I Love you' by Cecilia Ahern? Those are a few examples that make the brain cells in my head drop off and die by a higher magnitude and number. Can never tolerate those sort of literature a few years back and not now either, unfortunately.

The Memory of You Sleeping

My head was weary, my soul tired and so I let them quiet down with a sweeping desire to sleep my despair away but all I got was a dream, a dream I contemplated once or twice if it was truly you. Your hair, those eyes, those dimples that surrounded your smile, they were all too vivid, too real to be true but all I wanted was to be near you. Even if it was for a minute or two, maybe this dream could mend this broken heart that was shattered into two.

But once that dream left my mind, all I could do was cry - cry an endless river that I've suppressed for far too long and instead of wondering why my insides were torn, I let myself wander and wander till I found myself gone. Although I've lessened my burden by not talking/thinking/wondering about you too often, the feeling I have of you still didn't wane yet instead, cause many other problems to become astray. Too many over-looked problems.

They say to ease a bitter heart, one must delete all memories of the (in)considerate other and this could be done by removing all pictures taken, collages given, gifts received nor given and etc but I found the following concept to somehow become much of a cowardly act, one I find much distressing to this soul. Yet are my opinions and views of things being placed up high on a pedestal, being considered as too important nor proud, that I'm scarring my own mental health away? Unfortunately, it looks so and this is the first time I'm finally admitting it out loud.

Going through all the pictures and videos of you and I on this laptop somehow made this heart lose it's capabilities to harden but more or less, quiver than tremble with a slight hint of guilt. Maybe some might consider this as an act of courage and some an act of stupidity but at the end of the day, my sanity is what I want it to be; sane. You are no longer in my life and I am no longer in yours and although we had a good run(a good long run), nothing lasts forever if it's not meant to be. I just wish this heart would listen to the advice it was given to heed.

& of all the pictures I have of you deleted,
I'm keeping this because the memory of you sleeping
is able to keep this heart of mine unknowingly at ease.

Burning Desire

It's been a week and a half since I've been here and I think within that time span, I had already indulged myself in so many favourite past times with family members that I somehow am able to experience eternal bliss(in the form of beverages and food of several kind) that could probably last till next summer but that's just me being optimistic really, heh. But in retrospective, I think I haven't done so many other things that I've enlisted mentally in my to-do list this summer.

To name a few, I'd really like to get a new piercing and maybe dye my hair a different hair colour. I've tried dyeing it red and platinum blonde before which unfortunately, didn't give much of a good result - The red turned out to be a milder form of the colour and dyeing my hair blonde turned me into another byproduct of Ron Weasley, what with my pixie haircut and gingerness that were very much prominent. Frankly, a lot of people considered that phase I was going through to be weird but I liked it a lot though. I mean it's not very often one is able to colour their hair and use that as a creative outlet and besides, I didn't mind damaging and cutting up my hair every so often. I think I've somehow become accustomed to having short hair that I can't stand trying to grow my hair out.

And about piercings, since I had my tongue piercing taken out, I kinda feel like I've been missing something. Maybe I won't get my tongue pierced again but I think getting a tragus piercing on my left ear would suffice the inner masochist in me but we'll see. Sometimes I have a tendency to go all out and get a piercing that even I have no idea how I've coaxed myself into getting, as per usual. The perks of being spontaneous I suppose? But I'm willing to keep my options open to any new kind of pain to experience and rejoice to.

Too bad tattoos are out of the question
or I would've done it in a heartbeat, trust me.

Wanderlust

Before you left to go on your own journey into one of the few desired countries I've always wanted to wander into, we made an appointment to meet up and have a chat at our usual location, a cafe from across the sea. Stimulating conversations, divulging in one another's tantalizing anecdotes and discussing mind-numbing arguments about issues that you believe and that I unfortunately disagree(or the other way around) got both of us into a talkative mood. Something I haven't felt quite in a while maybe due to my lonesome streak.

I don't know how our conversation which primarily revolved around academics suddenly turned into relationships and ultimately marriage but in between the words and opinions mouthed spontaneously from each respective side, the sentence you abruptly blurted out to me were somewhat a little too frank for me to handle.

"I once was like you. I had a hard time trusting people before but you know, I got over it. Okay, not literally over it but I learned to trust people, slowly. Sometimes you got to give a little, to get a little, you know?"

I know that I still am very much cautious with others around me and although this might hurt me(and it already has in so many ways, believe me), I just can't place myself in a vulnerable state again, not just yet. Having myself be exposed, examined and prodded to the smallest detail by someone who might be able to provide a few good moments here and there but at the end of it all to just disappoint you by their words or actions, scares me.

To think that you might have something real -  an emotional, physical, and mental connection with someone who could see beyond your imperfections, heck accepts them for what they truly are, being able to profess your deep, lingering thoughts to them without a hint of despair and finally, being able to unveil your past minus any sort of judgment is the euphoria I think everyone deserves to experience.

I just sadly don't think I'll be able to open myself for anyone for now.
And this makes me feel all the more jaded.

Jet-lagged

I'm back home in the very same living room I was in over 6 months ago. It feels surprisingly surreal that it was just yesterday, I left that country that will still bind to me for the next few years to come. Yes, those thoughts did give me a chilling sensation but I wonder who wouldn't have such tingling sensation when any of them might have been in the same shoes as I.

I now am very much tired but apparently, I can't catch any Z's since I'll be celebrating my brother's birthday somewhere's tonight. And since I don't want to mess up my own sleeping pattern with the additional jet-lag, I'm just going to rough it out, act all sociable, lively and maybe at the end of the day, crash and burn on my own sweet ol' bed. But you know, we'll see how it goes.

Anyways,

it's getting particularly harder for me to understand certain people.
Usually, it doesn't bother me but this is getting me slightly off the edge.

Escape

My heart has been palpating for the past few hours and I know it's because of what I have to face in the near future. Thinking about it has made me feel anxious, uneasy and nervous to the point where I just can't think straight. It's scary to think that this, this is your last chance to make it right and if you don't, well jokes on you then. Life can have it's ups and downs and maybe that coming point in time, would be the pinnacle of what every downfall you've ever experienced before to be considered as just tiny specks of bubbles in comparison to the coming raging waves of sea.

It's been 6 hours since I last ate anything
and my stomach is refusing to let anything go down without a fight.
So much for food trying to calm my nerves down.

لا تحزن

My mom called a moment ago and I don't know why but I could suddenly feel myself about to fall apart at the seams. I tried very hard not to sound too melancholic nor cry while I was on the phone with her but it was a tad bit hard. Sometimes I wonder why she has to put up with a daughter who keeps on bringing this depressing vibe with her, everytime and everywhere she goes even if we are miles apart. I feel bad for her for having me as a daughter.

The only thing that's preventing me from doing so is my good amount of common sense telling me that if I did let myself go at this point into the pits of despair, I'll probably fuck up everything in the process and make myself go through the same dingy, dark place I'd been to a summer ago.

And for fuck's sake,
I do not want to go back there again.
Looks like I have to bottle this up and hope it won't lead to another meltdown.

One of the Reasons Why

I think,
British Music > American Music.

Phobic

We sat and waited for what our stomachs had been grumbling for for the past half an hour, and in between the anticipation to fill our stomachs to the brim, we talked about what had been going on for the past couple of weeks because the unwanted effects of exams had turned everything into a blur and I suppose, I wanted to catch up on how things were going with her. That, and also about her new boy.

Words of affection and infatuation poured from her lips like an open stream as she told me stories of her and him. About how in the longest of times, she had never felt this happy before, about how in the littlest of ways, he makes her feel and become a much more better person than what she currently is and I guess the list goes on and on from there(something I won't bore you with, fortunately). I admit, eventhough the whole love-struck conversation made a sudden tinge of awkwardness start to bloom deep from within me without a moment too soon, seeing her happy made the whole thing tolerable. It's either that or I must've been in a good mood all morning, heh.

Then she asked a question I've been trying to avoid for much too long,
"So when are you going to get yourself a boyfriend?"

I smiled and told her that the following issue isn't exactly in my current state of mind. That all I want to do now is get finals done and over with, finish up this year, the next and eventually soon graduate from here(InsyaAllah). She didn't press on but she knew that as of right now, I just don't want to get myself involve in whatever relationship, love fest everyone seems to be partaking here these days. It'll be just too messy and complicated for my own livelihood.

Sure, it'd be another one of those euphoric, riveting moments I'll remember and etch so deep within my heart that maybe I'll start to bleed due to it's over-powering effect on me but why gamble my heart for something that won't work out? For something that won't last? For something that would disappear and fade within hindsight? As much as I might sound like a skeptic and a bit too much of a cynic on the front lines of love, I'm starting to accept that people actually do pretty well without someone's indefinite love and affection towards them. That's how it logically goes, believe you me.

By the way,

my sister told me a moment ago that she feels that we(her siblings) have been undermining her contributions into making this household a hygienic environment, one that all of us could live and breathe in and she feels terribly, terribly unappreciated because of it. I scoffed and apathetically told her, "Well, welcome to the struggle that I have to put up with on a daily basis." Who knew exams could have the ability to turn the nicest people into such annoying, sarcastic ones.

Dwindling

My head feels heavy from all the consumed information I took on and vomited awhile ago and to be honest, that paper was hard. Particularly hard. I've checked my answers, counted and re-counted my total marks and I barely scraped through - that is, assuming the total amount I've calculated is even consistent with whatever numerical findings I've gotten.

Five more papers to go(or in my case, seven) and frankly,
I really feel like I'd want this to end now.
Very much so.

Water Colours

Lately I've been having numerous epiphanies and truthfully, it's been a long time since I've actually felt a connection or some kind of indescribable bond with the big guy from above. This I suppose, is somewhat of a rekindled revelation in my situation.

I'm just hoping that
it wouldn't end before it actually started.

Done Deal

Maybe it's time to start letting old wounds heal and the broken, shattered pieces of my heart be swept from across the floor and under the rug because I don't think I want this to go on anymore. I don't think I think I can be mad at you and hope that good or potentially great things don't come your way.

I know,
I'm better than that.

Confessions(Part 4)

After having watched 3 movies in a row during our unplanned movie marathon which lasted till the early hours of the morning, you drove me home. In the car, between the droplets of rain which heaven had granted us befittingly from above, the soothing voice of the oozing, sultry songstress and the rich, enticing melody that accompanies her, made me all the more drowsy.

My head kept missing the already nestled head rest as you steered your way through the streets, stopping more than once due to the foreseeable circumstance that that night was a Friday night. As the songstress' voice begins to sound more or less like monotonous ramblings of the poetic kind and the light pitter patter of the rain longing to bid their hellos/goodbyes kept on being prolonged, the sudden chilling atmosphere started consuming us whole and I could feel myself gradually being lost in my own private retreat I call sleep.

The car then came to a slow once more and all that remained was silence. My thoughts weren't preoccupied nor coherent, my emotions were subliminally passive and my body motionless from fatigue, I once again was about to attempt another clumsy, spontaneous move but without a second to lose, I suddenly felt your hands gently placed my head onto your shoulders.

I can still remember your hands lightly stroking my head of hair, brushing aside my side bangs as you tried to get a better view of my face. Momentarily, a sigh escaped from your lips and unexpectedly, a kiss on the forehead is what you gave and that's when I wished - I wished that this moment could've stayed unchanged, not a second nor a minute too soon, for this particular minute in time is what I'll always consider as my one and only peaceful sanctuary.

For Better or For Worse

I had my first paper today, the first of my final semester and to be straight to the point, it sucked ass. I fucking screwed up so many questions that I think I could literally asphyxiate myself with the amount of bullshit I concurred on that bloody answer sheet itself. To make matters worse, people in general seem to think the paper itself was 'alright'; Meaning it wasn't exactly terrible/horrendous/hard/difficult/shitty/disastrous while I on the other hand, have the complete polar opposite opinion to what they've mentioned.

Ugh,
I just really want a cigarette to calm my nerves now. But to compensate this crappy misfortune which had been bestowed upon me today, I pretty much went all spontaneous combustion and shit and had a haircut today. Yeah, apparently it takes more than self-restraint and effort for me to grow my hair out long, heh.

Extremism

As much as I hate to admit this;
You know how the saying 'old habits
die hard'?

Well, I believe the ol' saying is right on the dot because things haven't been going smooth as of late(emotionally/spiritually/etc) and the fact that I'm starting to conform to past vices, isn't a very good indication of how this mind of mine should be.

Look at the Stars

Another year has passed by and all that's left are fond memories and thoughts of what surrounds the past, the present and the future.

& just so you know,
I'm going to miss all of this.

Confessions(Part 3)

"Why do you do that?"

" Do what?" I asked, startled from your sudden, abrupt inquisition.

" You know, smile like that. Why do you always smile like that?" you inquired once more as though solving this riddle would probably then lead you to a much bigger meaning or understanding of life(maybe, partly).

" Why? Do I look like a crazy person if I did so?" My face suddenly filled with worried lines, unable to conceal the insecurities filled within me by that little seedling of a thought.

" No, it's not that..." you answered leaving your response untied with loose ends, making me more eager - Interested to know if your reply could reveal the meaning behind your cryptic messages.

 " I shouldn't do it anymore, should I? It just makes me look much, much worse, am I right?" I uttered words that I hardly disclose to others. I admit that I can act quite proud in front of a mere stranger but with you, these feelings that are convoluted with a lack of uncertainty and disdain to one's self is hard to contain and so at times, I unleash what Pandora has been trying to confine and masquerade to the general perception of others all along.

" No when you smile like that, you smile as though you're hiding this huge secret. Like you're the only keeper to that concealed truth and no one else on this earth would be able to pry it out from you." You replied with a certain air of respect and sincerity I found both funny and adorable and so once again, I smiled that secretive smile of mine. You then continued on but this time, with much warmth, adoration and a light-hearted smile on your part,

" Besides, I'd like it if you smiled like that more often. It always makes me happy when you do and also you might not know when someone is going to fall in love with that beautiful smile of yours."

Exit: Stage Right

For the past few days, I've been indulging myself with the constant replay of ' The Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind'. Maybe it's due to the beautiful storyline it's been blessed with or maybe it's Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet's amazing performance throughout it all or maybe it's due to the riveting, melancholic soundtrack which made this ears of mine weep with much emotion.

Either way, watching it has made me turn into this sappy, lovestruck teen I've been trying to avoid being these past couple of months which isn't going so well to tell you the truth. The plan was to ignore whatever attraction/infatuation I'd have with anyone of the opposite sex, concentrate on what's important(academics, studies, etc) until I finally graduate from this place or if that isn't possible, trying wouldn't be too hard am I right? You'd think by now, I would've gotten used to being alone but the truth is far from it.

To be frank, one of the things I miss about being with someone else is how I could tell them anything. Calling the person up in the middle of the night and have them listen to me babble on non-stop about how the world is being far more psychotic than what it actually should be, the fact that cats here are humongous for some particular reason and everything else in between while we make up skype dates and seeing the other's funny morning face as we sip cups and cups of coffee to perk ourselves up for each other's view.

I guess I just miss feeling like I matter, like my life meant something or is significant to another. Because so far, things aren't adding up and I'm just going through the motions like I'm lost at sea - a feeling I've somewhat been having for quite sometime now.

Ironic

You have no idea how elated I was at that very moment when you started speaking with me so coolly and casually like we've been buds for the longest time. We conversed about simple things, nothing too complicated nor hard for this mind of ours to think it through and that was the part I truly enjoyed throughout the whole day today.

But then you uttered words which weren't thought through and when I heard them, it felt like you placed a handful of salt into my already opened wounds. Funny, how you made my day and all the same ruined it. Funny, how I'm being overly dramatic and replaying this scene in my head over and over again.

Because of an infatuation,
I'm making myself go through all this again.
Fuck this shit.

Decadence

" You see, I have two prime choices to choose from and that's either to study in the UK or in Australia but I'm not exactly sure which one to pick from because both of them sound alright to me - as long as I graduate from a known university with a higher education, that's that."

As you explained your predicaments to me, hues of smoke tinted by the orange fluorescent lights from above crowded our surrounding atmosphere. They danced alongside our silhouettes, tingling our senses with whatever notion they could possibly provoke however, you tried to ensure that none of them came my way because although I had a minute taste for a cancer stick or two, I never liked inhaling the smell of those acidic fumes. They always gave me a slight headache.

" Well, it isn't that difficult. I'm sure you've already picked a place to your liking but you just need a little bit of validation so you can then finally make a decision. Am I right? "

You took a long, hard drag from your mentholated cigarette and exhaled with a slight sigh. Slowly but surely in time, you will reveal to me why things are somewhat complicated as they are and that's what those times have proven to you what I've become throughout the years - the attentive listener, the patient friend, the trustworthy confidante(until now, that is). Someone who is able to make your problems/insights run less amok and put everything into it's own perspective place or at least, that's what you've told me once before.

" Both my parents want me to continue my studies in Australia. You know, the whole time-distance thing is much, much less than it is in the UK. I have relatives in Sydney and my mom insists that I 'get to know them more' but I hardly doubt that since I've never met them before, ever. But she's hopeful and might probably want a family reunion to happen among us so we can then start singing 'Kum Ba Ya' around a fucking campfire and shit. 

Again, something I highly doubt would happen but like I said, she's hopeful. That's what you get from being an only child - your parents' constant worries. Or in my case, if I'm doing swell in the social department."

You said all that with an exasperated face and I knew I had to cheer you up, so I then replied,

 "But aren't you? I mean eventhough you do have a tendency to get all blunt, sarcastic and dare I say, snarky with your comments and comebacks, I think you are taking the affirmed baby steps needed to come out of that wrapped up cocoon of yours , believe you me. And besides, you're conversing with yours truly right now. If that isn't proof, then I don't know what is! "

 You then chuckled and readjusted yourself in your seat while I drank a sip of my Milo Ais, awaiting for your answer to the statements I've made beforehand.

" Usually girls don't like it when I get all honest. They find it unappealing or sometimes a total turnoff so I don't exactly tell them what thoughts linger at the top of my head. I unfortunately give them the milder form of a typical answer to any type of question, even to Jac. But with you, you seem to handle my frankness pretty well. So I'm guessing you're the weird one here with awkward social skills, not me."

You said this with a laugh and I could tell that you were enjoying making fun of me because let's be honest, as much as I come up with theories and explanations that might sound intelligent and rational to some, I truthfully suck at giving comebacks. It's a downfall that I unfortunately have, and you wanted to point that out at whatever possible situation. Something I don't exactly appreciate but I've gotten somewhat used to it because it's something you and I do - to annoy one another whenever our meet ups occur.

" Yeah, yeah, I'm weird. Fine. But getting back to our serious discussion, I think you should choose what you want Nick. I mean these sort of chances don't come often and it's your life, not theirs. Also by logical thinking, you're doing architecture so UK would be a good place to brush up on those aesthetic, creative skills. 

Besides, other European countries like Italy, Germany have such have a wide range of exposure for you and I think you'll benefit from it. If this is the validation, confirmation that you seek, then I'm all about supporting you because I know you're talented, smart and hard working. You're good enough for this. "

As you let my words sink in for a minute or two, you took your time and lighted another cigarette for your weary mind to wander around those toxic fumes. You then gave an affirmed nod, signaling that that would be the end to our important discussion, that you've made your choice.

And I hope throughout all that, you've actually made the right one.

Oh Please

1. I'm noticing the fact that I get somewhat easily irritated now. The little insignificant things that people usually do on a daily basis, get me highly strung. I'll either try to block it out, ignore but if I can't possibly do so, well let's just say for the next few days or so, the silent treatment will be given to thee.
   
   
2. People are just not on speaking terms right now or not so much being sociable- it's either your shit is yours and mine is mine. All everyone here wants to do is end the semester on a good note and say "Sayonara you fucks, I won't be seeing you guys anymore!" even if it's approximately for the next 3 months or so.
   
   
3. It's been 2 months since I've been to Carrefour. I NEED TO FUCKING GO TO CARREFOUR!
   
   
4. Today is the end of the month of May, tomorrow is the start of June and in 2 weeks' time, it'll be the end of lectures for this semester. I'm pretty baffled by how time really flies actually.
   
   
5. I have Biochemistry midterm this Saturday and I'm so fucking nervous about it, I shit you not. Need to study, do great on my test and get awesome grades! So I'll end this right now, thanks.
   
   

Silverspring

Yesterday in the longest time,
I started talking about you,
specifically you.

I won't deny that in between the conversation I had,
intricate, intoxicating details flashed before my very eyes. And right now,
all I want for it is to end.

God, please make it end.



"Time casts a spell on you but you won't forget me,
 I know I could have loved you but you wouldn't let me,
And I follow you down to the sound of my voice that haunts you,

No,
you'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you."

Confessions(Part 2)

I remember it was on a Saturday morning that we both lay motionless on your bed, appreciating the ominous silence that was placed before us to indulge in sinfully. We stayed up late, way pass our curfew the night before due to unforeseen circumstances. My unusual erratic behaviour of giving several spontaneous suggested locations for us to go to all at once and your carefree demeanor to abide to my wishes, lead to a night of memories that once filled this heart of mine with much elated remembrance of what we both shared - something that would bind us for eternity, something that no one else could nor would understand.

Like a concealed secret,
if you will.

When we've spent half the night painting the town red, we got back to your humble abode. Your parents weren't home as they were visiting a few relatives back in their hometown and mine weren't very much akin to where and who I was with during that period of time. It was for the first time I was able to see what your sanctuary looked like, what was lurking inside those 4 sided walls you resided in and it was nothing more than what I expected of you. Posters of numerous artists and bands were plastered on your wall with several additional postcards from across the sea, scribbles, notes and to-do lists were placed along side your computer screen, undeveloped rolls of film found across your table top, books of Salman Rushdie, Neil Gailman, Orhan Pamuk and several others stacked neatly by the side of your bed, just in case the need to read suddenly arises, you explained to me.

Funny and eccentric,
that what I've always thought of you.

We stayed up late listening to songs found on your iTunes playlist, humming and singing along as we took our individualistic places on that queen size bed of yours. As the sun was about to rise within those hours which truthfully felt like a few minutes stretched beyond insurmountable explanation, I could see it's colour bursting with such radiance and clairvoyance. It was then that I asked without much thinking on my part as I played with your long tousled hair ,

"Hey, I know this is a really random question, asked at a really random time but what does your name mean anyways? The middle and the first? I'm just curious to know."

You then answered,

"'Nicholas' means people of victory and my Chinese name 'Jyn' according to my dad, means light. So put it all together, that would make me the light that would lead people to victory."

You ended that sentence with a laugh but I could in a way, sense that you were happy,satisfied of telling me something you were proud of. It was then you shifted your gaze towards me and asked me the same questionnaire yet with much more intensity than I anticipated but I took it all in stride and answered what was left wondering.

"Okay, promise you won't laugh? I've always thought of it as a joke but since you've asked, I'll be happy to oblige. My second name 'Ismail' means God hears and my first 'Zalikha' means charming beauty.  So that would make me the charming beauty that God hears - told you it was a complete joke."

But you kept your gaze on me and stared intently into my eyes for a second or what seemed to be forever and that's when you took my hands into yours and let our fingers be intertwined. You smiled that sweet smile of yours, coming closer to my side of the bed and suddenly without warning, whispered slowly into my ears words of pure absolution,

"Don't you realize? Your name has got you figured, spot on."

Baby, It's Fact

"God sent you to me for a reason and He took you away from me for a reason",

and I keep telling myself this whenever my heart starts to

wander around the hollow, empty crevices of my soul.

"Give me reason but don't give me choice,
because I'll just make the same mistake again."

Perplexed

It's that time of the month again and I can feel it coming over me. People with their sudden, unthinkable words and actions start to pounce on me more than the usual demeanor, annoying yours truly till fuck knows when. Gah, I hate it when my period leads me to uncontrollable fits of rage.

Today, I just didn't talk much with anyone. Mostly concentrated while I was in lectures and studied in between them since assignments have been a constant struggle this whole week. I ultimately feel tired most of the time while I attend them - sometimes I unknowingly fall asleep while the lecturer explains how the viral RNA of HIV was able to replicate itself to form a double stranded DNA and later on, integrate with the human DNA genome, thus causing the apocalyptic HIV to weaken the patient's immune system, unknowingly spreading the disease and in conclusion, leading to the pandemic effect that is AIDS.

Sure, I could explain it to you now but you have no idea how troublesome it is to ask someone to recollect what the lecturer said, especially after 4 hours of classes prior. It's like sucking the life out of someone during breaks, no kidding.

Sorry that I have to end this post with an early adieu since I have assignments which need to be finished up by tonight ASAP with additional subjects to study on so this will indefinitely lead to another all-nighter and the constant gulping of coffee, the magical drink. Oh Yeah.

"I want to hold you close,
Soft breath, Beating heart,
As I whisper in your ear,
I want to fucking tear you apart."

Burn Burn Burn

Current things/events/people/anecdotes that make me think, one way or another:

1. Having long hair. Honestly, I forgot how it feels like to have long hair since I've always had mine cropped ala Agyness Deyn. However, due to hectic schedules and me not having the time to get it trimmed once in a while, I'm living with ill-managed, messy hair as of right now.
   
   
2. Never ever NOT categorize your dirty laundry based on colour because just a while ago, I found two of my favourite piece of clothing inked with a multitude of blotches and you have no idea how annoyed I am of this.
   
   
3. Staying up late these past few days for my mid-term next Saturday has been very detrimental to my soul. Imagine studying 5 subjects at a time and having lectures and practicals from 8am till 4pm to cover as well. Oh-so-tiring.
   
   
4. I noticed people from my batch often video call their parents/family and by that, I mean everyday. And I? Well, I can pretty much count how many times I do so using one hand.
   
   
5. It's starting to get hotter here and the people are getting much more affected by the weather. Or in other words, the men are much more hornier than usual, heh.

Amplified

Woke up groggy today and felt like some form below me was clutching onto the upper abdomen of my own frantic, fragile(oh really?) body. It wasn't until a few minutes later I found my head stooped low in the bathroom of our 4th floor flat, with partial chunks of my previous dinner and maybe some other type of liquid I don't exactly want to describe here on after as this would indirectly lead to some form of flash memory of this morning's turmoil.

I unfortunately, can't take any form of solids nor fluids and this is driving me up the wall. It's been almost 24 hours since I had anything and why? Because once I start to digest on something, my body will feel the need to heave another form of reversible chunk my way and I don't exactly feel great about self-induced vomiting, no matter how relieving it might feel once it's done. Ugh, even the thought of it now makes me feel all queasy inside.

What makes it worse is that I have a presentation tomorrow and if this doesn't go away, I might have to present even if I do feel all crappy inside, something I pray I wouldn't have to even to go through but in desperate times, this calls for desperate measures. Also on another entirely different note, I opted a change from Mozilla Firefox(MF) to that of Google Chrome because ever since I changed from MF version 3 to that of version 4, I have to move my cursor everywhere all the freaking time to get a page to load and this annoyed the fuck out of me.

It's either my computer is too damn bloody slow or
MF is jut fucked up as it is
and I pick the latter.

"Remind me that we'll always have each other
when everything else is gone."

Improvise

"Cause out of all the flaws I've stumbled upon,
It's the hardest one to focus on,
It's the hardest one to focus on."

Letting Go/Moving On

Fidgety, that's how I've been these past few months since I quit smoking. Without the presence of my cancer sticks for my lips to linger upon, my subconscious sometimes latches on to bad habits I once thought had been discarded. Oh but a what a hoot it was to realize that being restless and uneasy comes at a price for quitting one of the few indulging sins I've made as a part of me. As a part of us.

As I sat in class waiting for the seconds to pass by, my thoughts were pre-occupied with things of the past, the present and maybe the future while I constantly fiddled with the armillary you gave me. It was nothing luxurious - it was what it was, an ornamental band of white porcelain plastered with a mediocre design you bought somewhere along your trip down south. I recalled the moment you gave me that little trinket I still hold dear, you were neither hesitant nor were you unsure and when I asked why the sudden display of affection with an uncalled gift, you answered with such clarity;

" I don't know. Maybe it's because I thought about you while I was driving on my way to Melaka. Imagine me, driving along the highway at 90 mp/h, trying to get there before noon, putting my iPod on shuffle and suddenly comes on 'Sweet Disposition' by The Temper Trap.

And I remembered how much you love that song. How much you would sing to it everytime it comes on during our countless joyrides around town. How you remembered each and every one of their words and sang it will full on gusto and feeling.

Long explanation cut short - I remembered you along the way so I bought you this."

 He ended his explanation with his smile, the one I still couldn't forget till now because it was during our first rendezvous under the opaque, starry night's sky that he flashed that bittersweet memory I wish to vanquish completely within me but alas, wishful thinking isn't exactly a concrete solution at this point. But it is a start. Because although it may seem that everything is amidst, that all memories of you are in shambles, that my own self-worth is in such disarray and that life is nothing but torn fucked-up pieces held together by such fragile invisible strings, I believe that at the end of it all what words and actions cannot heal, time indefinitely will.

And so while I waited in that classroom for the seconds to pass by, my mind pre-occupied with thoughts of the past, the present and the future, I took off that piece of jewelery you gave to me without much vacillation.

Because it was at that point then that I knew,
that I had to move on. That I finally had to let you go.

Oh Bother

Rudimentary

"And when all your faith is gone,
feels like you can't go on,
let it be me."

Confessions(Part 1)

I don't know why I've been lying to myself these past few days, these past few blogs. The more I try not to think of you, the suppressed memories of which I want to disappear, slyly make their way through my unfiltered mind and remind me of what you and I could've been - more than acquaintances, less than lovers but somewhere along the lines of being friends who like each other.

But that didn't happen.
None of those uncompromised thoughts occurred.

Foolishly, I thought you would be' the' guy who would finally prove my perspectives on men to be wrong, to validate and ensure me that my rather irrational prejudice towards men in my age group to be inconclusive, insubstantial and it was somewhat of a surprise that you did(initially). I fell for your charms, your talkative manner, your exuberant personality and in all honesty, I was absolutely enchanted by you. You made me feel things I haven't felt in a very long time - my knees went easily weak, my stomach wouldn't stop having those goddamn butterflies flying about maniacally, my face would easily blush at the sight your smile and my thoughts would always be incoherent everytime I heard your name.

It was like being under your spell but instead
of not wanting to give in, I basked in your adoration and wanted more.

You were my drug and I was addicted to you. Even when I knew the situation and the circumstances that I was going to put myself in were fucked from a million to one, I ended up hurting myself from my lack of unsupervised actions. Yet, I still asked the same old question time and time again as if the present would outshine the past and put a light at the end of the tunnel, somewhat resembling my unforeseen future but it always ended up being a dull, bleak passageway towards a deep, darkening black hole.

And at each turn I took along that passageway,
my mind repeatedly whispers the question
I do not wish to answer;

'Why did he choose to love her instead of me?'

Social Stigma

"So when are you going to get someone to sweep you off your feet? I mean don't you want someone to call your own and utter sweet, delicate declarations of love to you? I'm sure being the one and only number can get pretty lonely sometimes."

As he asked me that question head on without any further hesitation but with an intent stare, I calmly answered it without any need of justification on my part. It's fairly simple really; I just don't believe that anyone studying(or not) here is on par with my level of thinking and social liberalism. I know this might make me sound like an egotistical bitch, what with my theories and all but hear me out.

The fact of the matter is people here have somehow grasped the concept that if one is in a relationship, it is better for them to get engaged or better yet, married right off the bat to prevent themselves from acquiring sins which might be due to their unforgivable actions. But I believe that with moderation and rationality, one can keep oneself from committing those sinful acts. How? By being surrounded by people who are open-minded and with an understanding as to how we could handle these sort of intricate situations.

If let's say, someone who lacks understanding as to why opposite sexes should communicate with one another or prohibits, any kind of relation amongst themselves by spewing words of ignorance and idiocy, by giving off signs of warning or even danger to practice social normalcy amongst one another, well I would say that the community's notion as a society is completely fucked up. And from what I can see thus far, social normalcy among Malaysians here is fucked up beyond repair.

Is it a sad tragedy? I like to think that it is. As much as I do think what they're doing is a right of passage in the eyes of God, I don't exceptionally believe in marriage - at a younger age and especially, not when it's during the individual's course of study. Being too much of a feminist am I? Imagine if you're a women, midway from getting your degree but in the midst of it all, you're unexpectedly expecting your first child. From the looks of things, if you've gotten yourself a liberal husband, he would've given you the green light to continue on your education. But what if he didn't? What if he asked you to drop it all right there and then, and wants you to raise the family instead. What then? In comparison to other statements that I've heard before, mine is just a reminder as to what a majority of women lack - common sense.

I remembered a conversation I had with a boy who got married a few months ago at the mere age of 19. He seemed happy because to him, it was an act that should've been done and never prolonged and I didn't exactly mind what was being said as his opinions were his and mine were mine. But when he told me of their plans after graduation, after 6 years of earning both their degrees together, he was going to ask his wife to stop working and look after their home and oncoming offsprings. Be a good and obedient wife, housewife and mother to their children.

I stood dead in my tracks. How could you let someone who has worked hard for their degree(6 fucking years,I might add) and expect them to just give it up without a hint of despair? The ideology of it all started with their parents having taught their children at a young age to become what their society refer to as the 'norms'. Females are supposed to submissive, obedient and always at the will of their husbands while males on the other hand, are projected as the stereotypical dominant alpha male that everyone and anyone should look up to but I digress because I think equality in certain aspects of life should be practiced.

Minds like these collide with mine. I've always believed that freedom is something that everyone is entitled to but it's unfortunate that some people don't seem to think about their own personal well-being first and foremost compared to others. And by that, I'm referring to the unmarried couples who are on the verge of wanting to get themselves hitched(very badly). Why quicken the pace of something so beautiful, that it shouldn't be enjoyed to the fullest? Why stress yourself over something that isn't written in stone? Why worry about the prime age of marriage when all is planned for His knowledge alone?

All I can say is,
I'm pretty sure I'm going to stay single till I graduate
and I'm hoping I'll enjoy it while it lasts.

Confusion

"I don't know what to think about it. I know I'm confused as of right now and what I'm feeling are just mere attractions and infatuations. But the fact that it's towards people whom are of the same sexual orientation, the same gender, it makes me feel like I'm the committing the biggest sin just by thinking about it."

 It was hard listening to a friend who has never steered away from the righteous and clear path of religion. If there were problems, any intricate challenges that I've faced along the journey of my so-called-life, he has been one of the very few people whom I've come to ask guidance for. But now, it seems like it's the other way around.

Since he started going to a very known public university on the upper west side of Kuala Lumpur, I could see himself metamorphosing into someone new. He was trying out different things, meeting and seeing new faces and this was unlike the person he was back then. He used to be this shy, quiet boy who would never leave his mother's side but now, things seem to be changing. For the better? I hardly know but from what I can see, if he's comfortable with how everything is being played out thus far, I can't judge an individual's personality based on my likes and dislikes.

However, when it comes to matter of religion and such, all I can do is pray and hope for the utter best in the situation he is encountering himself. I know many who have come across this epiphany(or so to speak) with sheer surprise and it's not because they've never thought of it happening to them at all but on the contrary, they found themselves throughout the whole tedious process. So all I asked of him is to ask for God's guidance during these trying times and see where it would then lead him to.

Because at the end of the day,
who am I to judge anyone based on their sexual orientation,
when I myself have committed sins way beyond the borders of no return.

Breathing Under Water

It's been too long since I've written a post on this said blog due to unforeseen circumstances related to the complicated wiring and phone lines of the house I'm residing in. One of the ways I did compensate the primary usage of my laptop was by using my bulky Nokia phone which mind you, was very much annoying(and small).

However, I've been making myself busy these past few weeks. School and assignments are pretty much on top of my list so it's more 'ME time' which indirectly means more 'Library time'; a place I now actually consider as my second home. Some might say that I have no social life whatsoever but I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing since I'm blocking out stupid, nonchalant, annoying, irrevocable bullshit that I unfortunately sometimes let my mind maul over and over again non-stop for long periods of time so believe me when I do say, that it's been a relief thus far.

Although it's more or less increasing the dosage of caffeine I consume, the frequent short-lived naps I take in between classes and reluctantly, decreasing the precious limited hours of my beauty sleep in comparison to my previous semester, I'm just trying to ingest and digest as much information and facts within this short period of time which I kid you not, has been a challenge I find exhilarating enough to partake. Yes, I am that weird. But since school would be ending soon(and by that I mean in 3 month's time) I just have to survive the following semester and make it work.

Next semester/year is a whole new ball game with different perspectives, views and opinions to gain/review and maybe it's something I could work out on because who knows - maybe I'm better practically than I am theoretically(I hope).

Struck A Chord

It's been 4 months since I've seen you. It's been 4 months since I've spoken to you. It's been 4 months since I've made any kind of interaction with you(physical nor virtual). It's been 4 months since I've held anyone's hands like yours. It's been 4 months since I've really felt happy/elated. It's been 4 months since I've uttered words of honesty nor compassion to anyone else. It's been 4 months since I've smoked my last cigarette(pain-stakingly). It's been 4 months since I've remembered you. It's been 4 months since I've actually missed you.

And sometimes I wonder why I have to associate you
by giving up the things I enjoyed most,
once upon a time ago.

Whispers in the Wind

The clinks of the glasses and the clanks of the cutlery prepared before us sounded merrier than ever. As all of us gathered around that square table having our last dinner before our disbandment, each one following their own path towards what they yearn, towards what they think they should earn and see fit as their own future, we all shared both fear and anticipation of what awaits us.

When thoughts revolving friends, work, ambitions, dreams and family are left for us to ponder and wonder about the decisions that we did/should/could make, our minds were in a constant shuffle and yet it still brings us to our current circumstances today. Life even with it's everyday struggle and hardship has taught all(or maybe some) of us something in return. Although mistakes were made and nothing seems to be able to bring us back to that particular moment in time when we were at a crossroads in our lives, where we had our chance to travel down the road less taken or otherwise, we're still very grateful for things to have even turned out the way it actually has.

It's ridiculous how previous things/situations in particular were very much different than how it is now. I used to crumble when things regarding him were spoken of, about how much of a fool I was to have been under his spell, captured by his charming and provocative smile and everything else in between but now, I hardly do care and it is he who still wanders aimlessly with a thorn in his heart at sight. Ironic how the world works isn't it? But last night, all dramas aside, what I saw was a beautiful kinship between each of us and although it might be a dysfunctional kind, I am happy that I am a part of that.

The Suburbs

As much as I might sound like a backstabbing bitch who's turning her back on her own race(1/4 of it, really) by repeatedly seeing and saying the faults of the majority of Malays who can't do shit about themselves, all of it is still true. I'm sorry if I am being offensive in a sense but it's not like I'm saying that the Chinese, Indians nor I are way more better.

Yet if you let stupid, insignificant shit like issues on Ketuanan Melayu, Islamic matters which does not necessarily need to transcend into bigger problems, over-shadow things which might be of much more importance to our country, our nation, we then have to tackle the idiotic thinking of the general public who are spoon-fed from the start which I think is a fucking waste of time.

Bodoh, bodoh, bodoh.

Witchcraft

& this is one of the best songs to sing out loud to

in the car!

Jangan Dewi Jangan

Although I do think that now I might be having a significant, enticing, brain fart/word vomit at the current moment, I'm just going to spit out whatever that's been brewing in my head. Because I honestly can't contain myself.

After reading blogs by individuals who are from the same age group, who are from the same course, the same university, I could suddenly feel my stomach heave yet not due to signs of relief but the other way around. It means I have to get back to being with people, where a majority of them share a lack of social skills, practical thinking nor maturity that I sometimes am appalled and dumbfounded with. And it's fucking killing me that I have to spend another moment in that hell zone with the lot of them, trying to get my ass to pass for each paper.

But all negative thoughts aside, there's only 3 years and 5 months more to go
and I'm making sure I won't fuck up my chances of freedom.

It's all about putting the mind into perspective and that's what I'll be doing to ensure that I won't get myself into anyone's drama. Hell, even if I do sound like an emotionless tart, friendships aren't even worth saving if you're going to be pulled into one of those idiotic, typical BS soap operas that make you forget what's important from the very start - your education. And relationships? If you're one of those females who are willing to put their male counterparts first in comparison to yourselves and your own well-being, all I can say is good luck to you.

I have had enough of people who aren't using enough
brain power to control themselves and their shitty behavior.

Chances

It's funny how a few years might not seem like a few years. Instead, it feels like a few dramatic, momentous, riveting events took place within a span of a year and all you have are other occasional blurred out memories which you wish you could remember at the top of your head but usually, you don't. Other things crowd your mind with their insignificant importance but still, you can't control what your mind usually stores, can you?

I feel like the world is going too fast
and that in my opinion, is both a good and bad thing.

I met with an old friend and it was interesting to see how a few certain aspect of our lives had changed, including our views and perspectives on heavy issues which we hardly converse about, once upon a time ago. People change, either for better or worse but she was relieved that I was my same ol' usual self with a few changes here and there, religion-wise. And her? Sure, she's the same person she was 3 years ago but with a more positive outlook on life.

In comparison to our adolescent years in school,
I would say we're doing pretty alright so far.

Advice For Strays(Sequel)

If you're wondering why I've changed my blog's address, it's actually pretty simple. The reason being is due to my over-whelming need to prevent people whom I do know(unfortunately, on acquainted terms) from reading my very present thoughts on things/issues which mean a very great deal to me. I find writing to be therapeutic and one of the few things which have kept me sane throughout my pre and post adolescent years.

Without it, it's safe to say I would've
committed something stupid by default.

So far, things aren't looking up as much as they should. My perception on certain things have gone somewhat awry. Friendships are starting to form never-before-seen cracks that even I'm baffled to encounter later on in the relationship. Dramas are occurring more and more within this household of mine and I find my younger sister and I to be the only sane ones here apart from our other siblings. To make matters seemingly much worse, I find myself straining to cope with everything that's been going on lately.

Right now, all I want is to get back
to school and concentrate on something more important than this.