Mute

All day today, I could feel myself unsatisfied with the honest statement you gave this morning. Not because it was a scantily clad lie you fabricated to make me look all the more revolting but because within those written words of yours, I knew there was a certain degree of sincerity being uttered. With much indifference on your part, you were just fulfilling your role as a friend who was there in the need of another, believing that only with responsibility and a hint of frankness, can you get me to accept the full swing of things.

"Do you know what's your problem? You're in love with the idea of love. How grandiose, how amazing, how enthralling this feeling can be. How earth shattering it is to have someone who could love you and you loving him, whole-heartedly. 

 But once something happens, once someone starts making a move on the whole situation, you freak out. You start thinking that maybe this wasn't such a good idea to begin with, that maybe you and him might not have anything in common, that all this is just going to require more commitment and more hard work. Well wake up and smell the coffee, a relationship is an equivalent of that.

  Look, I'm not trying to discourage you from liking or having crushes on people but before you get yourself worked up on any kind of love fest(and I mean, REALLY REALLY liking someone), just chill out and think it through. If you're going to go through the same cycle of liking, realizing and eventually hating, I suggest you swear off all the boys found there. Make friends, be friends and if it happens, it happens. Just take your time, there's no need to rush.

We're only 21, you and I. If there's one thing we haven't done, we haven't seen, it's definitely the whole world and everything else in it. So just enjoy and live in the now, okay?"

 Even with all those sentences and words going against me, I have to admit that I miss you. I miss my family. I miss everything else in Malaysia. I miss being a goddamn local instead of a foreigner in a distant, misunderstood country. I just miss being surrounded with people that matter.

Walk In These Shoes

My Daily Routine
08.00 am - 03.00 pm: School
03.00 pm - 05.30 pm: Gym
05.30 pm - 06.30 pm: Shower/Entertainment/Internet
06.30 pm - 12.30 am: Sleep
12.30 am - 05.30 am: Study
05.30 am - 07.30 am: Shower/Breakfast/Internet/Entertainment

In case you're wondering why I haven't posted any interesting thoughts/blurbs/posts lately, the random fact above shall be my answer to your question. And this shall go on till winter break commences. Great.

Lost & Found

Numerous calls, texts and countless number of IMs were sent to you but you've hardly replied to any of them and now I'm starting to wonder if what happened between us was all a dream, a figment of my imagination, a thought I purposely made up to have it play on a constant loop. My mind is now a battlefield that I alone must trudge through with a nagging voice within me, contradicting every positive thought or action I'd like to somehow comprehend. Things aren't exactly how I'd imagined them to be thus far and confusion is taking me as it's hostage for the time being.

Yes, I admit I've forgotten about you(temporarily, maybe) but now, it is he who has occupied my subconscious mind. That night when it happened, it was obvious that both of us longed for some sort of connection. Him missing the love of his life, someone who he has not seen for almost a full year, separated by distance of more than 5000 miles and I, longing to feel something, anything.

Loneliness has a way of making us mere simpletons to be in a much complicated, complex position. Instead of thinking with a realistic mindset and pure logic by the side, we succumb ourselves to the petty, trivial needs of our emotions. I am a prime example of the aforementioned concept and let me tell you that the outcome so far has been a bitch. The relationship status between he and I has changed, soiled to the point that even I can't assimilate. Are we friends or aren't we?

The lines that were drawn, clear from the very start are now starting to become blurry, vague and I'm beginning to wonder if this transgression I've committed would soon come to an end. Because as much as I don't seem to care, as much as I pretend that everything is fine, know that this is starting to tear me up inside, more than what it appears to be.

Empty

We took a step back from what we were doing and I let the beatings of my heart come to a quiet standstill. With my arms locked around him and with his around mine, I embraced him whole-heartedly as though this very moment was the last time he nor I would see each other again - Before his life would be filled with unusual activities and before my mind would be preoccupied with thoughts, ideas and the general mechanics of the human body.

As I slowly brought myself across the driveway, further away from him, he suddenly called me out with a voice different than any other. It was his voice tinged with a hint of remorse and much regret.

"Ika, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I did. I feel sad that your first time was with me, a friend. That is wasn't with someone you loved. Someone who is willing to give the world to you as you would to him. Someone who has an indefinite feeling of affection and love towards you."

I stared into his eyes as he fumbled and mumbled with his words. Those eyes wouldn't look into mine, avoiding any direct contact whatsoever and I could slowly but surely feel myself going numb. My insides wanted to heave whatever it was I ate a moment ago but I ignored the current insignificant need. As I tried keeping myself composed, I smiled. I told him that it was fine. That it was I who asked him to perform such acts and that it is I who should feel ashamed.

After much convincing on my part, he got into his car and drove off without a sense of hesitation. There I stayed; motionless, indifferent, as the night's silence started engulfing me whole. A few minutes passed on and nothing had changed but a single tear drop made it's way and my heart suddenly whispered words which were unfortunately true.

That the reason I kissed him is because I wanted to forget you.