Growing Up

"I think I've grown up," he said.
"I think I've come to terms with things. And I guess, that's what we all will face sooner than later as much as we don't really look forward to it."

***

I've always imagined that one of these days, my blog(this particular blog) would somehow leave the very essence of what this space was actually for - a place where my bottled up emotions could finally latch on to a place where it deems fit, safe - towards more pressing and important issues and that would probably mean issues concerning my career and maybe a few others on the side.

I know, I know, this might sounds like a total bore/snoozefest but life is more than repressed or unrequited love towards another individual(a recurring theme that's been used over and over again in my blog which is very much depressing, in my opinion). It's about being able to make changes that you need to adapt to the every day challenges you may face in life and I'm starting to realize that my career as a physician is an important step towards that transition, that as much as I'd like to still be intact with the other quirks and neat, creative abilities I have, they have to make way for a bigger, better and more important ones. They have to make way so that I'll able to show what I'm made of, what I'm capable of and I know I have so much more than what others perceive.

Yes, this seems to sound like a typed-up motivational blogpost from myself to myself but this is actually a reminder that when you have to choose between what you want and what you already have, you go for what you really want and you don't stop for it, no matter what the trials, tribulations and consequences you have to face.

And what I want is to be the best and safest physician I can be and I'll do everything I can to achieve that.

We're All Masochists

I've been listening to Young the Giant's 'Mind Over Matter' single repetitively and this song literally kills me but not in that sad, melancholic kind of a way. It's more on coming to terms with things and the actualization that life still moves on eventhough lady luck has made you step in the biggest pile of shit you've ever encountered. Ever.

***

Occasionally, there's been unintended epiphanies that made me realize that maybe the choices I've made in my life(as of recent) are in actuality, total blunders that I've purposely let myself get exposed and agitated to.

Like for instance, when I recently got in touch with a senior of mine who's doing his housemanship at the exact hospital that I've been eyeing for the past year, my desire to get into said hospital has started to grow more and more. Even after I've asked him regarding the conditions of staying there and him answering all of my questions accordingly, he still felt that I might not be able adjust and adapt myself to it's social scene - which is nil, to be exact. But here are a few examples as to how my brain works to overcome such thinking.

"Your personal life won't exactly flourish. Housemans who usually go there are either in stable relationships, are planning to get married(or are already married) or they're really not into the whole dating scene - it's all about work, work, work. Do you think you can handle that?"
And here's where my masochistic point of view feels that I deserve to be in such a situation. To not be surrounded by people who care and love me because for the past 24 years, life has shown me that I'm capable of doing things on my own. That perhaps my life isn't supposed to be completed by another individual and maybe by being there, I can finally accept the actual truth - living on your own wouldn't be such a bad thing as long as your perception of such things aren't tainted nor compared to by others.

"Sometimes you'll feel like you won't belong and I do feel that way from time to time."
To be honest, I've never felt like I've ever belonged anywhere so what would this bit do to me if I've already experienced and grasped such feeling? Besides that, being amongst people who are more concerned on looking out for themselves, to be consumed by the whole 'dog-eat-dog' concept wouldn't be such a bad thing for myself because isn't that how everything works in this world nowadays? Nothing comes to you for free and if you want something, you and you alone will have to achieve it. Not your parents, not your siblings, not the set of friends you have but you, just you.

"Believe you me, you'll miss your family. You might think you have all the time with them but you really don't. I'd recommend you to take some place nearer to them."
I know everyone has their dysfunctional family and if we're being completely honest here, I like the distance that separates my family and I. Eventhough I do miss them occasionally, my parents specifically, to have such feelings does not make me a recluse, a loner or an anti-social person of any kind(or maybe that's how I'd like to think of myself really) and if that's how people see me as, I'm okay with that because that's how I function and I see no particular regrets I might encounter(I hope).

So yes, I am a masochist and a bad one at that.