Wanderlust

Before you left to go on your own journey into one of the few desired countries I've always wanted to wander into, we made an appointment to meet up and have a chat at our usual location, a cafe from across the sea. Stimulating conversations, divulging in one another's tantalizing anecdotes and discussing mind-numbing arguments about issues that you believe and that I unfortunately disagree(or the other way around) got both of us into a talkative mood. Something I haven't felt quite in a while maybe due to my lonesome streak.

I don't know how our conversation which primarily revolved around academics suddenly turned into relationships and ultimately marriage but in between the words and opinions mouthed spontaneously from each respective side, the sentence you abruptly blurted out to me were somewhat a little too frank for me to handle.

"I once was like you. I had a hard time trusting people before but you know, I got over it. Okay, not literally over it but I learned to trust people, slowly. Sometimes you got to give a little, to get a little, you know?"

I know that I still am very much cautious with others around me and although this might hurt me(and it already has in so many ways, believe me), I just can't place myself in a vulnerable state again, not just yet. Having myself be exposed, examined and prodded to the smallest detail by someone who might be able to provide a few good moments here and there but at the end of it all to just disappoint you by their words or actions, scares me.

To think that you might have something real -  an emotional, physical, and mental connection with someone who could see beyond your imperfections, heck accepts them for what they truly are, being able to profess your deep, lingering thoughts to them without a hint of despair and finally, being able to unveil your past minus any sort of judgment is the euphoria I think everyone deserves to experience.

I just sadly don't think I'll be able to open myself for anyone for now.
And this makes me feel all the more jaded.