Letting Go/Moving On

Fidgety, that's how I've been these past few months since I quit smoking. Without the presence of my cancer sticks for my lips to linger upon, my subconscious sometimes latches on to bad habits I once thought had been discarded. Oh but a what a hoot it was to realize that being restless and uneasy comes at a price for quitting one of the few indulging sins I've made as a part of me. As a part of us.

As I sat in class waiting for the seconds to pass by, my thoughts were pre-occupied with things of the past, the present and maybe the future while I constantly fiddled with the armillary you gave me. It was nothing luxurious - it was what it was, an ornamental band of white porcelain plastered with a mediocre design you bought somewhere along your trip down south. I recalled the moment you gave me that little trinket I still hold dear, you were neither hesitant nor were you unsure and when I asked why the sudden display of affection with an uncalled gift, you answered with such clarity;

" I don't know. Maybe it's because I thought about you while I was driving on my way to Melaka. Imagine me, driving along the highway at 90 mp/h, trying to get there before noon, putting my iPod on shuffle and suddenly comes on 'Sweet Disposition' by The Temper Trap.

And I remembered how much you love that song. How much you would sing to it everytime it comes on during our countless joyrides around town. How you remembered each and every one of their words and sang it will full on gusto and feeling.

Long explanation cut short - I remembered you along the way so I bought you this."

 He ended his explanation with his smile, the one I still couldn't forget till now because it was during our first rendezvous under the opaque, starry night's sky that he flashed that bittersweet memory I wish to vanquish completely within me but alas, wishful thinking isn't exactly a concrete solution at this point. But it is a start. Because although it may seem that everything is amidst, that all memories of you are in shambles, that my own self-worth is in such disarray and that life is nothing but torn fucked-up pieces held together by such fragile invisible strings, I believe that at the end of it all what words and actions cannot heal, time indefinitely will.

And so while I waited in that classroom for the seconds to pass by, my mind pre-occupied with thoughts of the past, the present and the future, I took off that piece of jewelery you gave to me without much vacillation.

Because it was at that point then that I knew,
that I had to move on. That I finally had to let you go.