A Question

"You know if being a doctor didn't work out for you, it's not the end of the world," he replied.

"There's still so many other contributions you'd be able to give back to society and after getting to know you more and more, I don't doubt that you're capable of doing so and more because you're a beautiful soul Ika. You out of all people should know that," he said and that made me smile with elation.

***

Recently we had to write down a quote next to our yearbook picture for graduation and to be honest, it seemed like a surreal experience. Finally, after 6 years of going through the same encounters of depression and elation(all exam-related events really), we're already putting an end to all that misery and going out into the big world, facing the real-life challenges we're meant to face(but this is pretty much a less depressing version of what's to be really expected of a Malaysian houseman).

But anyways, 5 more months till graduation and knowing how close I am to finally ending my undergraduate years is literally scaring the shit out of me. A friend and I were conversing the other day on how our previous seniors were able to withstand the working life with great adversity and admirability because let's be honest, any graduate who didn't come from the Malaysian system themselves will face some sort of shitty encounter - be it from the people within the system or outside the system(aka the general public) and how the actual system really is filled with loopholes, faulty implementations, rules and regulations so believe you me when I tell you that everything is at stake when you've sworn yourself to become a physician in a country like Malaysia.

So while we were conversing, the subject of how a few female seniors of ours had actually stepped down from the fulfillment of being a houseman arose and it's no lie, the numbers have somewhat increased with each passing year. From one's perspective, it might not seem like a big deal because these females are those who've settled down, have kids of their own and are married to husbands with a stable financial income - for them to settle down is a no brainer - but there have been a few stories floating around where a few of them dropped out of the program because of their incapability to adapt to the 'dog-eat-dog' concept established. Some even gotten severely depressed and checked themselves into their respectively psychiatric wards due to the vulnerable state they've been in and it's not really surprising when you think about it as physicians are usually one of the major occupants who bring themselves to get checked in.

Which brings me to my next question - Am I good enough to get through my housemanship years and later on get myself into a Master's program either back in Malaysia or elsewhere? I think I've frequently pondered over this question countless of times, to the point where my mind tires itself with repetition. So far what I've concluded is that if my housemanship years weren't as to what I've expected or to put it plainly, a strenuous, wasteful time for me, I then might opt to take another course altogether and see where that'll lead me but of course there's the financial issue to dwell upon as well(which would be for another day because my brain can only take so much serious thinking in a week). But of course, that's after 2 years of my housemanship to really consider where I'll finally want to put myself through.

For now, my yearbook quote should be the one thing I should be thinking over and to that, I shall.

Growing Up

"I think I've grown up," he said.
"I think I've come to terms with things. And I guess, that's what we all will face sooner than later as much as we don't really look forward to it."

***

I've always imagined that one of these days, my blog(this particular blog) would somehow leave the very essence of what this space was actually for - a place where my bottled up emotions could finally latch on to a place where it deems fit, safe - towards more pressing and important issues and that would probably mean issues concerning my career and maybe a few others on the side.

I know, I know, this might sounds like a total bore/snoozefest but life is more than repressed or unrequited love towards another individual(a recurring theme that's been used over and over again in my blog which is very much depressing, in my opinion). It's about being able to make changes that you need to adapt to the every day challenges you may face in life and I'm starting to realize that my career as a physician is an important step towards that transition, that as much as I'd like to still be intact with the other quirks and neat, creative abilities I have, they have to make way for a bigger, better and more important ones. They have to make way so that I'll able to show what I'm made of, what I'm capable of and I know I have so much more than what others perceive.

Yes, this seems to sound like a typed-up motivational blogpost from myself to myself but this is actually a reminder that when you have to choose between what you want and what you already have, you go for what you really want and you don't stop for it, no matter what the trials, tribulations and consequences you have to face.

And what I want is to be the best and safest physician I can be and I'll do everything I can to achieve that.

We're All Masochists

I've been listening to Young the Giant's 'Mind Over Matter' single repetitively and this song literally kills me but not in that sad, melancholic kind of a way. It's more on coming to terms with things and the actualization that life still moves on eventhough lady luck has made you step in the biggest pile of shit you've ever encountered. Ever.

***

Occasionally, there's been unintended epiphanies that made me realize that maybe the choices I've made in my life(as of recent) are in actuality, total blunders that I've purposely let myself get exposed and agitated to.

Like for instance, when I recently got in touch with a senior of mine who's doing his housemanship at the exact hospital that I've been eyeing for the past year, my desire to get into said hospital has started to grow more and more. Even after I've asked him regarding the conditions of staying there and him answering all of my questions accordingly, he still felt that I might not be able adjust and adapt myself to it's social scene - which is nil, to be exact. But here are a few examples as to how my brain works to overcome such thinking.

"Your personal life won't exactly flourish. Housemans who usually go there are either in stable relationships, are planning to get married(or are already married) or they're really not into the whole dating scene - it's all about work, work, work. Do you think you can handle that?"
And here's where my masochistic point of view feels that I deserve to be in such a situation. To not be surrounded by people who care and love me because for the past 24 years, life has shown me that I'm capable of doing things on my own. That perhaps my life isn't supposed to be completed by another individual and maybe by being there, I can finally accept the actual truth - living on your own wouldn't be such a bad thing as long as your perception of such things aren't tainted nor compared to by others.

"Sometimes you'll feel like you won't belong and I do feel that way from time to time."
To be honest, I've never felt like I've ever belonged anywhere so what would this bit do to me if I've already experienced and grasped such feeling? Besides that, being amongst people who are more concerned on looking out for themselves, to be consumed by the whole 'dog-eat-dog' concept wouldn't be such a bad thing for myself because isn't that how everything works in this world nowadays? Nothing comes to you for free and if you want something, you and you alone will have to achieve it. Not your parents, not your siblings, not the set of friends you have but you, just you.

"Believe you me, you'll miss your family. You might think you have all the time with them but you really don't. I'd recommend you to take some place nearer to them."
I know everyone has their dysfunctional family and if we're being completely honest here, I like the distance that separates my family and I. Eventhough I do miss them occasionally, my parents specifically, to have such feelings does not make me a recluse, a loner or an anti-social person of any kind(or maybe that's how I'd like to think of myself really) and if that's how people see me as, I'm okay with that because that's how I function and I see no particular regrets I might encounter(I hope).

So yes, I am a masochist and a bad one at that.

The End is Near

All the while I'v been in Malaysia, I've somehow taken my stomach on a gastronomical adventure and by that, I really do mean an ADVENTURE. Hardly do I ever let myself go this far whenever I return to my humble abode as the summer holiday graces us with it's presence but somehow this unexpected holiday makes this calling of mine much more prominent than what I expected. And maybe it's because of the fact that this holiday is shorter than that of 2 weeks which makes it an ideal standpoint to enjoy myself with whatever I have left.

But yes, 2 weeks in Malaysia and it's been good so far, Alhamdullilah.

Fresh Pair of Eyes

There was an episode on Grey's Anatomy which had a song from one of it's soundtracks and instantaneously when I heard it, it brought up a few lingering emotions that I couldn't really understand nor comprehend. So when I googled up that song, it was actually one of the few songs I gave my ex to listen to a couple of years back - no wonder the word 'nostalgia' was written all over it.

***

Been back in Malaysia for the past 3 days and I've been somewhat updated on the latest 'gossips' in town or more accurately, my family and their extensions - something I don't particularly look forward to these days. Don't get me wrong, I love my family but when you're somewhat filled to the brim with these petty information that do nothing for your well-being except for the inducement of stress and everything else negatively-related to it, you kinda don't want to get involve in the whole gimmick. I know that you don't get to choose your family and hey, I'm perfectly fine with that. Even with all their eccentric idiosyncrasies, I've grown accustomed to how my family functions, truly and although I might find them too overbearing at times, their 'personalities and stories' do act as a constant reminder that 24 years with them has made me able to withstand anyone else's bullshit.

But this brings me back to the topic of where I'm likely to do my placement soon and I've picked a few destinations here and there and the similarities between them is that they're not going to be back here in my hometown. Again, my decision might have been influenced by the fact that I don't really want to be near any family member(especially if they're into whatever petty discussions they'll have) but more importantly, I really do want to be on my own, making it on my own, independently. And I know this might be a bit of a stretch, especially when I'll be doing my first 2 years of housemanship on my own, with all the intolerable stress that will plague every n00b and newbie in town but when will I ever get this ounce of opportunity again? When will I ever experience such livelihood especially at that prime age? Of course, my thought process might be a irksome to some because age is just a number and an experience may be just that, an experience but whatever we deem as fit can only be perceived and understood by our own selves and to me, that is better than the agreement of the majority.

A week till I get back to Egypt so here's to another week of pure joy and a wee bit of anguish, heh.